Breath by Breath

Holiday Haiku ::: 10

Solstice gift making...

Saturday's extra effort

Results in great joy!!

 

 

Building the universe

Song of the Builders

On a summer morning

I sat down

on a hillside

to think about God -

a worthy pastime.

Near me, I saw

a single cricket;

it was moving the grains of the hillside

this way and that way.

How great was its energy,

how humble its effort.

Let us hope

it will always be like this,

each of us going on

in our inexplicable ways

building the universe.

Mary Oliver from Why I Wake Early (2004)

Pilot your own vessel

Control (of self and others) is a big topic of conversation around here lately.  As you may or may not know, I've set a goal to be less controlling and to worry less in my parenting (...and my life?) this year.  As it turns out, I've embarked on quite a journey of self discovery as well as a new level of intimacy with my child.

My efforts at releasing control and worry have yielded some truly astonishing insights, but I've also learned how frequently I am unaware that I am being/being perceived as worrying or controlling.  Silas chose a code word, "pilot", to let me know when he thinks I am being overly intrusive on his autonomy.  The brilliance of his word choice didn't hit me until recently when I started meditating on all the ways my "piloting" of him interferes with his ability to pilot himself, and my ability to "pilot" my own life. 

It turns out that both of us stand to gain from increased focus on "piloting" ourselves rather than each other.  The other day I came to see  how my constant prodding to do this or that in this time frame, to eat or not eat this or that, to limit time on this or that, to do this or that in this certain careful way, etc., actually could in the long term undermine his ability to trust his own judgment about things and learn to learn from his own experiences.  It could backfire and actually create dependence on some outside voice to tell him if such and such is "okay."   Fortunately for me, Silas is young enough and strong enough in himself to get this.  He jumped on the "mommy needs to control less" bandwagon instantly.  Since we've started, I can actually see in his face how crazy I am being at times.  He is not fooled by my illusion that I am in control, and he is immensely relieved and excited when I back off.

Thus, I find myself dancing on a very fine line between being a useful guide and supporter who  provides good information about the world as I see it, and allowing him to have his own experiences, make his own decisions, and conduct his own experiments in living.  He is only 6 and half, after all.  I do have more information, I understand long term consequences better than he does, and I don't want him to go through life feeling alone and giving up when things get hard (in the ways I did).  These are all sound ways that I get to be a strong and effective parent. 

The flip side is that I've learned that my worrying and controlling are motivated often by various fears, habits and anxieties, as well as the need to feel useful and needed and relevant.  The bottom line is I have needed to feel "in control" for a long time.  None of this is actually beneficial for either of us any more.  My task is to tease out the positive parental role from both my fears about giving him maximum autonomy and my tendency to evade/avoid taking full responsibility for "piloting" my own life rather than reacting to my environment.

It turns out that I devote an immense amount of psychic and physical energy to making things happen or not happen, as the case may be.  I am now questioning how many of those things actually need to happen?  And, of those that do need to happen, how many actually need to happen in the time and manner I try to encourage/enforce/impose?  And, what would I do with the energy that would be unleashed if I could stop policing my environment and the people in it?  In what direction would I "pilot" myself?  Big questions for me, with huge consequences for all of us.

I come by this vigilance, policing, controlling, worrying very honestly.  I grew up in a chaotic environment and was pretty much left on my own to manage.  One coping strategy was to decide that if I could predict what was likely to happen, I could either a) develop strategies to prevent or mitigate untoward events and outcomes, or b) at least prepare myself to weather the storm.  These strategies were quite brilliant for allowing me some illusion of control in a situation over which, as a child, I actually had little real influence or control.  But, the illusion gave me a certain confidence and prevented me from feeling my full vulnerability and victimization.  I was able to deny the degree of negligence and culpability and incapability of those around me.  I also developed excellent microexpression reading and executive functioning skills (analysis, planning, strategic thinking, organizational skills, etc.).   

So, I don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but I do have to break down the illusion of control.  As, Byron Katie, would say, "Whose business are you in?"  You can only be in yours, other's, or God's.  The only place where you can actually do anything is when you are in your own business.  To admit that I don't have a place where I am entitled to impose myself in what is truly my child's business is challenging and difficult.  As best I can define it now, my place as a parent is to be trustworthy, reliable and available as a resource that he can choose to invite into his experience of the world.  And, he needs me to clearly pilot my own life, communicate my own needs honestly and respectfully, and stay close enough to be available without intruding uninvited into his life.  This requires me to trust both him and myself more, and to let go of needing him to use me as a resource. 

More to come, for sure....

Advent ::: Days 9 & 10

Day 9 ::: The cookie party

My first experience making and using Royal Icing.  Suffice it to say, I learned A LOT!

Quite a few salt dough ornaments were painted and decorated, but I only have this picture (mine), since I got a little distracted and separated from my camera.  Can you imagine?

December 10 ::: A day of rest.  Decorating a little, making a little.  Testing out the hot cocoa mix recipe for inserting in the mugs.

I liked the cocoa.  Not too sweet, even better with a tiny bit of milk mixed in....

Halloween Comes and Goes

Another year of Halloween costume-making has come and gone.  The young Obi Wan was created using thrifted belt and boots, and fabric from the stash, including some really nice brown 100% linen for the cloak.  It's been sitting around for a few years now, so I thought, why not?

The wicked witch costume was made from a thrifted skirt which I altered to be longer, and a women's black blazer from Goodwill.  I snugged up the sleeves, closed up the front to make it high necked and added the rings and cinching lace.  I made slip-on puffy sleeves which I attached to the cape and jacket with large saftey pins.  Green makeup by Snazzaroo.

A good time was had by all.

Spring scenes

Sometimes life is just so very full. I've written before about the notebook I keep of my "accomplishments", big and small. As I review my notes from time since I've last posted, these are some things that jump out at me.

::: Teaching yoga two, sometimes three times a week and growing in intimacy, caring and engagement with my friends/students.

::: Managing tons and tons of financial and personal matters (insurance, retirement, education savings, taxes, mortgage, wills). I take all this on so that I am completely in the know about our situation and have educated opinions, suggestions and advice to offer.

::: Decided to buy a used car and then decided to get energy efficient windows instead. They still aren't installed.

::: Knitted a kindle cover, a scarf for a gift, one sock, and finished knitting a shawl my mother started but couldn't finish due to her arthritis. Spool knit another rainbow garland for the party supply box.

::: Finished stripping and staining our old 15-drawer dresser and another piece of furniture.

::: Silas spontaneously switched from a "join us in bed every night" kind of kid, to a "sleep in his own bed most of the time" kind of kid. We are all sleeping better and I feel great about how we've evolved.

::: Read several books for pleasure (all on Kindle) -- The Paris Wife, Pride and Prejudice, Emma, The Sense of an Ending. I've now tackled The Brothers Karamozov.

::: Read The Science of Yoga, (also for pleasure, but of a different kind).

::: Cooked and cooked and cooked some more. Our CSA is abundantly supplying us with vegetables and we are trying our best to eat them.

::: Sewed some jammies for Silas. Repaired three skirts, hemmed pants. Finished and mailed the last of the Picnic Rolls I made for gifts. Cleaned out the closets and donated all the discards.

::: Started voice lessons and love my teacher. Hard to practice with discipline.

::: Play groups, play dates, volunteering at school for every party and event, hosting egg hunts, checking out and booking after school and summer activities, field trips, strawberry picking.

::: Rose tending, palm pruning, tree trimming supervising, front entry way courtyard tearing down, vegetable garden pot planting and maintenance, kishu orange tree learning.

::: Spring deep cleaning, rearranging furniture, aquired a lego table off craigslist, finally chose a kitchen paint color.

::: Coordinated a fantastic mini-reunion with 3 college friends in the D.C. area.

::: Lots of visits with local and semi local family and friends.

::: Got up close and personal with Alice Waters and Sir Ken Robinson.

::: Said goodbye to the Byzantine Fresco Chapel.

::: First visit to Galveston of this year. Trekked at Brazos Bend State Park, visited Shangri-La in Orange, TX, spent a weekend in New Orleans.

::: Booked our whole summer vacation.

::: Riding bicycles everywhere -- school, library, grocery store, for fun.

::: Flying kites out on the green space behind our house.

::: Lego, lego, lego.

::: Star wars, star wars, star wars (and he hasn't seen one movie yet!).

::: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter (we are halfway through book 1).

All is well.

In my kitchen today ::: lots of kale, while standing up

The position I'm most comfortable in right now is standing up.   Consequently, my activities are largely those of the standing variety.  Vacuuming works if I move slowly.  Laundry works if I pay good attention to how I lift and bend when moving things from hamper to washer, washer to dryer.  Sewing would work if I had any projects in mind.  Yoga works if I am super careful and don't lay on my back in Savasana.  Cooking works. 

I've spent a lot of time in the kitchen today.  Potato, leek, carrot, celery, and kale soup.  Bread in the bread machine.  Cutting boards and wooden utensils oiled.  Counters cleaned.  Dishes out of dishwasher.  Dishes in dishwasher.  Dishes out of dishwasher.  Dishes hand-washed.  Snacks made for play date partners.  Floors vacuumed and mopped. The beginnings of holiday crafting.

In and amongst all the standing, it occurred to me to share my favorite kale recipes.  Kale is the king of leafy greens.  It is super nutritious, but often not an immediate favorite for everyone who tries it.  There's no denying it's bitter and the texture can be rubbery if not cooked well. Nevertheless, I've come to love it and I've found a handful of recipes over the past couple of years that I go back to again and again.

These enchiladas, which I've made with yukon gold potatoes, sweet potatoes, and black beans at different times but always wtih kale.  And, the kale and potato soup of today, which is a variation on the potato soup with spinach in this excellent book, but with kale instead of spinach. 

I've found, however that kale totally shines in dishes that are balanced by something really sweet.  My husband can't get enough of a dish introduced to me by Heather over at Beauty that Moves.  It has just a few simple ingredients:  carmelized red onion,  garlic, dried cranberries, apple cider, baked tofu and lots of kale.  We eat it just like that, although she recommends it over a grain of your choice.

Before the holidays I happened to be at Houston's Central Market (an HEB store), where I grabbed a small container of a salad I couldn't resist.  I kept the container because the label they print contains a list of ingredients.  Proportaions aren't included, of course, so I conducted an experiment to see if I could replicate it.  I got so close and it may be even better than the original.  It  was a hit at the holiday luncheon with my yoga class and at our Annual Solstice Tamale Fiesta.   I'm going to include this recipe today.

Fruity and Nutty Kale Salad (served at room temperature)

Proportions can all be adjusted to taste and to the size of your group.

Ingredients

SALAD:

2 large bunches kale, stems trimmed and coarsely chopped

1/4-1/2 cup sliced almonds (raw or lightly toasted)

1/4-1/2 cup pepitas (raw or lightly toasted)

1 cup dried cranberries or dried tart cherries

1/4 finely chopped crystalized ginger

I use a pressure cooker to steam my kale, but you can steam it conventionally as well. 

In the pressure cooker, place 1/2 cup water and a steamer base.  Bring water to boil.  Add chopped kale, cover and lock the lid and bring to high pressure.  Once it comes to high pressure, immediately remove from heat and use a quick release method to reduce pressure. 

If steaming conventionally, steam just until the kale is bright green and beginning to become tender.  The dressing will marinate the kale and soften its texture. 

Dunk the kale in icy cold water to stop the cooking process then spin in a salad spinner to dry. 

Combine kale, with dressing and toss.  Add fruit and cystallized ginger and toss again.  Refrigerate 3 or more hours until about an hour before serving.  Toast the nuts and toss them with the salad right before serving.  Add a little more dressing or serve it on the side.

DRESSING (makes lots and is excellent on any salad or as a marinade):

2 TBSP mirin

2 TBSP sesame oil

1/2 cup grapeseed Oil

1/4 cup orange or tangerine juice, freshly squeezed

1 shallot, finely chopped

1 TSP ground ginger

1-2 TBSP Chives

1 TBSP honey (optional)

Chop the shallot and chives.  Juice the orange or tangerine.  Combine mirin, oils, juice, shallot, ginger and honey (if needed).  Whisk or shake to emulsify. 

Exploring the art of happy

I recently read this translation of Anna Karenina, my first reading of this, Tolstoy's self-proclaimed first real novel.  I was enraptured by the characters and fell a little in love with Tolstoy, who was so deeply flawed and human and therefore able to capture the fullness of each of his characters.  He made it impossible not to identify with or at least understand the motives, thought processes, weaknesses, strengths and vulnerabilities of each person, seen in relief against a background of a particular time and place in history.  I can't say enough good things about it.  I was deeply moved by Levin's spiritual maturation and his discovery that he's happiest when he is engaged in the work that needs to be done (solving disputes among his farmers, tending to his wife and son, ensuring preparations for the harvest, etc.).  When he stops to contemplate the meaning and purpose of his life, he becomes paralyzed and overwhelmed by existential longings and questions.  Hmmm.  I can relate.  

The pursuit of "happiness" being a tantalizing subject for me right now, I turned my attention to The Geography of Bliss, which a friend gave me about 2 years ago (sorry!).  But, it's one of those books that requires a certain mindset.  In my case, Anna Karenina strongly rooted me in a grand, sweeping view of human nature as essentially changeless, but expressed in a nuanced way depending on the social, political and historical circumstances in which a human lives.  The Geography of Bliss is the travel journal of a western worrier and grump who attempts to gain insight about himself by sifting through academic research about happiness and traveling to some of the "happiest" and "unhappiest" places on the planet. His goal?  To get a first hand view of happiness in practice from both cultural and personal perspectives.  As I was reading, I documented the keys to happiness that he identifies.  Here's a smattering directly from my notes:

•  Trust (personal, social, political)
• Lack of envy and either upward or downward comparison
• Embracing trying (and failing)
• Relationships (individual initiative, coupled with social responsibility)
• Creativity (at all levels and abilities.  To paraphrase:  You need a lot of crap to grow something great.)
• A culture of selfish altruism
• Belief in...something
• Being useful, helpful
• A social safety net
• Flow...the pure joy of being
• Hardworking and loving others
• Cold and dark yield coziness and interdependence
• Gratitude
• Happiness is 100% relational
• Not thinking too much
• Tolerance
• Modest expectations but 100% effort (let go of attachment to results)
• If it isn't fun it's not worth doing
• Let go of what you can't control (and all you can control is yourself and your attitude)
• The quality of a society is more important than your place in that society
• Everything you do and every memory of you will likely be gone in 3-4 generations, so don't take it too seriously
• Connection to place/nature

I'm now turning my attention from the theoretical to the practical.  I've resisted reading this book for a while.  The genre of "be like me" middleclass self-disclosure memoirs is a bit tiresome.  I read two earlier this year (Poser and Project Happily Ever After).  I frankly did not like either person as they presented themselves and I found myself full of judgments (I'm suspecting a little projection here...as well as internalized classism).  Nevertheless  I ended up identifying more than I thought with their feelings and experiences.  So, here I am reading, The Happiness Project, another middle class memoir/instruction manual.  I thought it would be  interesting to see a practical journey toward happiness and this is what was out there.  I'm 5/6 of the way through her year-long "project."  Frankly, I can't wait to be done.  I'm not sure I've gained anything useful for my own experience, but I'm reserving judgment.  Actually, I can think of a couple useful things...

• Be a keeper of happy memories.  I come from a family that doesn't talk about the past at all- the good, the bad, or the otherwise.  I didn't realize how much it matters to me to keep memories on behalf of my current family.  I don't scrapbook.  I don't record things faithfully.  But, I take tons of pictures, I keep notes about significant events, I blog.   I will take this role more seriously in the future.
• Do what you do.  Essentially this is a way of saying, "Be yourself."  She says this another way, "You can choose what you do, but you can't choose what you like to do."  If you are looking for more happy in your day, embrace the things you already find yourself doing (in my case, yoga, reading, cooking, bringing people together, writing, making things), and mine your childhood for the things that made your heart sing (acting, singing, building spaces, making up stories and characters).
• Your body matters.  Exercise, food, play and rest yield energy, vitality, stress management, feeling sexy, better sleep, increased patience, elevated mood.....need I say more?
• One of the best ways to get happy is to make others happy.  Conversely, one of the best ways to make others happy is to be happy yourself.  Small, daily happiness is actually really difficult to sustain.  At least one person was sainted for her almost invisible efforts at small happiness (Saint Therese, "I take care to appear happy and especially to be so").

(I guess I am getting more out of it than I thought!)

I think I'll turn to the Dalai Lama's The Art of Happiness next.  I can't help but be inspired by a person who exudes such positive energy and broad perspective in the face of cruelty to his own people and throughout the planet.  I had the privilege of hearing him speak in person once and I will never forget it.  If I ever doubted the power of one person's energy to ripple through and influence the energy of multitudes, I didn't doubt it after being in his presence. 

Here's to actually being happy. 

Embracing ::: appreciating ::: looking forward

Random musings...

1 ::: Our current reality includes public school.  Ahem.  I'm not at peace about that decision, yet I can  embrace the kindness, good intentions, and positive outlook of the teachers and a few good friends Silas is making.

2 ::: We watched "The Wizard of Oz" in two installments these last two Friday nights (our "movie night").  I hesitated to introduce it to Silas at his young age because I was fairly traumatized by one part of it when I was 5 (Spoiler Alert ::: I was so afraid Dorothy wouldn't get home when the balloon took off, I couldn't watch the rest of the movie).  But I also remember looking forward to the annual viewing of this film.  We watched it now because he was shown clips in music class at school and he knows the songs from bedtime singing, and, frankly, I didn't want him to see it elsewhere.  I wanted it to be a family experience/memory.  We had to stop the movie when the witch instructed her minions to go and get Dorothy because Silas got quite scared.  I am proud of how we handled it.  He made the choice to continue after reassurances that Dorothy's friends were coming to help her.  At the end he said, "Mommy, it was all a dream!). 

Remember when you couldn't watch anything "on demand"?  The anticipation of that annual viewing of "The Wizard of Oz", "The Sound of Music", "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", etc., was delicous.  He has friends who have seen all the Star Wars movies over and over, among other things.  We won't let him watch them until he can understand the hero's journey better.  Sometimes I feel like such a freak and I worry we might turn him into one. 

I wish we had more friends who resisted media saturation (iPod, iTouch, iPad, Wii, movies, tv shows, computer games all included), truly embraced imaginative and outdoor play, and protected their children's innocence more fully.  When I watch my boy play with his friends, the scripts they enact come from movies and video games.  Silas plays along and is drawn into the power play of guns and missles and aliens and zombies, all second hand.  Somehow it seems worse here in the suburbs.  Is it?  I find little to embrace in 24-7 media/entertainment culture.  I find it appalling that this is "normal." 

What's to embrace?  When you truly want to see something, you can do it at your convenience (I like watching "The Daily Show" when I want to, for example).  Also, you can stop "The Wizard of Oz" DVD when your child gets scared, rather than pressing on and leaving an indelible fear-filled  memory.  Social media can help you reclaim people lost to changing life circumstances, some of which are beyond your control (like being forced to move towns when you are young).   

 3 ::: We are looking forward to a "mommy date" this week.  I am taking Silas out of school early every now and then to enjoy some alternative education/fun experiences and a break from routine.

4 ::: I appreciate the chance to practice and teach yoga with my friends.  I benefit so much from the discipline and preparation and I enjoy sharing a little of what I know.  I value the increased intimacy and view into each other's lives that happens with the accompanying conversation. 

5 ::: Healing is ongoing and I can use all my power to help it along.  What amazing beings we are!

6 ::: Order and beauty are so underrated!  Even a little clearing out and cleaning up elevates my spirit and makes room for more (ideas, creativity, productivity, ease).

7 ::: I'm embracing the principles and practice of compassionate communication and I'm grateful to my practice group for their willingness to learn together.  It's amazing how my view of situations changes when I ask myself what needs I and the other(s) are trying to meet in a given situation.  It's such a simple thing, but so important in easing the way.

8 ::: I'm looking for some fun! 

Have a great day.

 

Home crafts ::: the Annabel Cardigan

I know very few reasons to celebrate being sick for the better part of 2 weeks.  One good thing is that I am caught up on my unfinished knitting queue (except for one project which I've tabled until spring). 

I even had time to knit up this awesome sweater, the Annabel Cardigan from Quince & Co.  (Sorry for the view of our messy bathroom!) 

I purchased this purple-y blue locally produced yarn on our trip to the Isle of Grand Manan in New Brunswick last year.  It is bulky and pretty and fairly soft.   I've been saving it for this pattern and I'm glad I did.  Annabel is a classic, serviceable sweater, with just a hint of modernity.  My yarn was true to guage on this one and nothing knits up as quickly and with fewer brain cells as garter stitch with bulky yarn. 

The pattern is nicely written; it's super easy to knit with markers and a row counter.  It's worked from the top down, with sleeves added from stitches held on waste yarn while you finish the bodice.  I'd use a cable cast-on next time to keep the neckline from getting a bit stretchy, but overall I'm super happy with it.  I love the 3/4-inch sleeves (which my husband puts in the category of capri pants when it comes to ridiculous), but he doesn't wash as many dishes and do as much clean up as yours truly.

Give this one a try.  I knitted it in about three or four days of part-time work.  Enjoy!

You can see another view of this knitted in a lovely honey-mustard color here at Soulemama.