Breath by Breath

Home crafts ::: Ode to a home

A house and heart full of love.

We will most likely never live in this house again. I feel like I can't breathe from the upswell of emotion (is it grief, gratitude, loss?) as I am flooded with thoughts and memories. I have to let it go, leave it behind.

I know I will remember a lot, but the truth is that I'll forget more than I can hold on to.

I've known this house since fall 1998, when it was an old, if solid, dated house full of thrifted and inherited furniture, a slow growth of mildew, no central A/C and no sheet rock in much of it. Oh, the memories.

::: Those first visits in the early dating period with the refrigerator loaded with apple cider, peanut butter and a Tillamook baby loaf and a freezer full of individual servings of enchilada pie and tamales.

x ::: All the places and ways I fell in love in that house....dancing, conversation, lounging, cuddling.

::: Moving in and insisting that all the house had to be ours. We couldn't just add my stuff, we had to integrate, purge and add.

::: Leaving for a month for yoga teacher training and returning to what was now my home, and the decision to have a wedding.

::: Training for the Marine Corps Marathon and waking up for a 4 am run to find the entire street up to our second step flooded from tropical storm Allison and two flooded cars.

::: Completely rennovating and updating the house--together. Learning so much about each other in the process of doing the design and much of the work ourselves.

::: Leaving this house in the hands of a tenant for two years and exploring other lands.

::: Returning home with a 4 week old baby and all the adjustments to a life that was at once familiar and completely alien.

::: Creating a room of my own for yoga, sewing, jewelry-making, etc.

::: The kitchen--thousands of nourishing meals made and consumed.

::: The garden--experiments in enriching our diet and our lives by growing our own food.New friends, deeper friendships, expanded circles, new rituals.

::: The initiation of the Winter Solstice Tamale Fiesta and the ever increasing sense of autheticity, closeness and willingness to share amongst our community.

::: All the milestones of early childhood witnessed and shared here--babbling, crawling, walking, sign language, talking, climbing, building, creating.

::: All the growth of my niece and nephew from tiny little ones to great grown teenagers and adults.

One can never capture a life well-lived all of a piece. As I write each of these memories, my mind associates with dozens more, most of which are so personal and deeply intimate that they can't be captured or shared in this forum.

By nature memory is fragmented. Moments blend with memories, certain things crystalize while others are held as mere impressions. Some reside in our senses alone. It's all in there, though. Every moment. The daily joys of the life we live, with our chosen family in a home we've made, is a precious thing, indeed.

As I let go of our house last week, what struck me most was that all I remembered were good things. The perfect moments. The shared love. The openness. The joy. I wondered why this was so? We certainly have had our share of strife and upset.

Perhaps it is the good that actually lasts. What endures is the essence of a thing. I hope so. If this is true than the essence of our life there is love, engagement, sharing, learning, giving, growing.

I accept the gift of my life there and the memories that we made there. Nothing can take it away. As we move forward to the new, all that we have ever been is part of all we will become. Goodbye house and home that I love. Thanks for everything.

Hello new house and new life. May you become (may we make you) a true home to gently hold our hearts and our love.

 

 

Practice Notes ::: The body remembers

 

Back in graduate school and in my early professional days as a counselor, I spent a lot of time learning about psychological and physical trauma and its impact on body, mind and spirit. One important truth about how we experience trauma is that the body remembers it even when the mind is overwhelmed and blocks it out. This explains hypersensitivity to facial cues, hypervigilence, triggering of flashbacks by odd sensory stimuli, a host of physical disorders, hyperarousal of the sympathetic nervous system (reactivity), etc.

But I discovered a parallel truth today as I returned to my yoga mat after a few days away. The body also remembers habits of breathing, body position, rest, quietness of mind, peace. I am amazed at how easily and effortlessly (seemingly anyway) I slide back into even the most awkward of postures, as if my hips only needed fire log pose to say, "Ah, yes, I remember how to let that go." A knot in my neck/shoulder melted in bow and arrow--releasing as if remembering just where things belonged.

A funny thing happened at the end of my practice. About a year ago I made a mala for myself, intending to add japa meditation to my practice. I never actually did it until today. As I touched the 108th bead and recited my mantra, the stringing material simply broke, sending a cascade of beads in all directions onto our bamboo floors.

Something simple like this, an unplanned, unwanted event, often triggers (let's put this nicely) a reactive response in me consisting of a loud gutteral utterance at minimum to tears of frustration and global generalizations about my culpability and self-worth (on a bad day). [Witness yesterday's spillage of a bowl of oil, eggs and water as I began to bake a birthday cake.]

Yet, after an hour's asana practice, followed by loving kindness meditation and japa meditation, my reaction? Quiet amusement. Irony. Not a shred of physical or emotional arousal, and no dramatic projections about the significance of the event. It was funny. I cleaned it up, put the beads in a zip loc to fix later, and rolled up my mat.

Ah....practice.

 

Making space for practice ::: the four corners

Lately I've been getting the message from many quarters that I am to do my yoga practice and the future will take care of itself.

Of course, taking the path of a householder in yoga means that the practice is not only on the mat--in fact it is mostly NOT on the mat.  Housework, food preparation, laundry, parenting, self-care, gardening, and relationships are all fertile grounds for yoga practice.  All these tasks are best done mindfully and with the breath, just like asana practice.  Breathe, breathe, breathe.  Patience, strength, energy, flexibility, kindness, compassion, etc., etc., etc.

Since before the holidays my art/yoga studio has been in such disarray that I could barely move, let alone breathe.  The yoga mat & rug was used so often as a play space or a kneeler for me as I cut fabric that it was sorely in need of cleaning and re-dedication.  Half-done craft projects, mending, fabric & yarn for my stash, iron & ironing board, various renditions of LED track lighting Scott's working on installing in the armoire, papers, notes & notebooks, business tax documents, etc., were towering pyramids awaiting their inevitable slide into ruin.  I mostly just shut the door and pretended we didn't have a studio.

In an effort to reignite my asana practice, along with my householder practice, I tackled the cleaning of this room over the weekend. I actually found the task enjoyable and spent a lovely Sunday morning at it.  I'm thrilled with the results. 

I cannot thoroughly clean without rearranging furniture (I need the change of energy as an incentive and reward). Are you like that? But in this case my rearrangement served multiple purposes.  First, this room is so full of furniture and windows that I lacked a wall for doing restorative poses and practicing arm balances.  Second, I wanted to put the TV/DVD player in the white cabinet rather than on top of it in order to hide it when not in use.  I wanted to position the TV so I could more easily view it while using yoga practice DVDs.  Finally, I wanted to clear the space around my desk so I can write.  Hence, I moved all the bookshelves to the other side of the room. 

I didn't take before pictures (because I forgot), but truly it was a nightmare.  Here are the results:

The Southeast corner (I get to face East while practicing)...

The Northeast corner (with my little patch of wall for arm balances)...

The Northwest corner (the door goes into the bedroom)...

West  is my writing desk & sewing armoire.  The stash is now behind the curtains to the right (along with toys out of rotation, stationery, art supplies & miscellaneous camping gear.  (I didn't take a Southwest picture, but you get the idea.  The South side of the room is ALL windows)... 

Om, shanti, shanti, shanti.  Namaste.

Houston Barter Fair 2009 ::: report back

I forgot to take pictures, of course, but here is my initial assessment of the Fair. 

The Friends Meeting House of Houston is on a nice plot of land and the event was held outdoors on a beautiful Friday afternoon.  That was a pleasant surprise!  Silas immediately found a large stick with dried leaves which became his companion for the afternoon as he moved among the various booths, played with others' toys, and generally made himself at home.

Children comprised at least half of the participants, and it was lovely to engage with them in bartering.  I learned a lot about how children rate the "perceived value" of their belonging and yours.  It was eye opening to me to see how assuredly they believed their used dvd or stuffed animal was worth as much as a nice piece of gemstone or crystal jewelry.  And, indeed to them it was and I bartered accordingly, without agreeing to take anything that was against our values.  (I was somewhat surprised at the predominance of mainstream plastic and stuffed animal type toys, not to mention the giveaways from fast food chains.  This may reflect the children's [accurate] perception that this is the junk worth getting rid of, or it may reflect the purchasing patterns of their families, I don't know.) 

I also met some lovely adults who came, much as I did to support the idea of the barter fair. 

My products were the only handmade/new products on display and consequently were much in demand.  I think almost everyone (there were only about 10 booths) ended up with something of mine.  Unfortunately I had no takers on my coffee cozies, but I was pleased to barter away so many children's bracelets and earrings. A few nice pairs of earrings went in return for two new linen skirts and some art supplies.  And the rest came from trading for Silas things -- baseballs, wooden puzzles and a large modular play tunnel. 

My favorite trade took place toward the end of my time there.  A boy of about 10 years of age came up to me and stated clearly that he wanted a pair of earrings for his mother (who was not present).  I asked him to pick out what he wanted, he made a quick and really tasteful choice and asked me to come look at his stuff.  I approached his blanket with trepidation as he gleefully pointed out his "treasures."  I was about to simply give him the earrings when I espied a full set of wooden blocks in the bottom of a plastic tub, under a bunch of other stuff.  I eagerly said I'd take the blocks and he packed them up for me, delighted that our transaction was complete.  I was so thrilled with the blocks that I told him to pick out a second pair of earrings if he wanted, which he did.  He said he'd give his mom one pair today, and then the other for Christmas.  We were both so pleased.

It is unfortunate that more people don't either know about or participate in this event  I really expected people to be bartering services (e.g., massage, cooking, yard work, etc.), but there was none of that.  I want to learn more about how these fairs work in other places, as well as things like Ithaca Dollars, which is a community-wide barter system in Ithaca, NY.   

I love the idea of not having to pay cash for things one wants or needs and of having a relationship with the people one is trading goods and services with.  I like the idea of thinking about and placing a value on your own "marketable" skills, products and services and feeling good enough about them to offer them.  Figuring out how to make a "fair" trade based on a negotiated value is an interesting challenge.  I need to set aside a lot of conditioning about the relative value of things in our society.

Papa's on vacation ::: Day 3 ::: aka date night with the IRS

Have you ever made that giant leap into something, you know, full of enthusiasm, without full information, without fear or thought of the consequences?  My latest journey into that great unknown has brought me face to face with 45 pages of instructions, lots of spreadsheets, and my calculator.

I filed the automatic extension on my partnership taxes on April 15.  That extension expires tomorrow.  The U.S. Open Tennis is done, Silas is asleep, it's 7:45 p.m., and I have no more time.  Procrastination is over.  Bring it on Big Brother, I'm ready for ya.  Glass of yummy Spanish wine in hand, slice of raw aged manchego cheese at the ready, and organic honey crisp apple slowly approaching room temperature at my side, it's a date night in with the tax man.  Ymmm.  So glad Scott's out of town. 

If I had a nickel for every way this jewelry partnership experience has bit me in the behind...Well, suffice it to say, it's been a major "learning experience."  And if I had a $1 for each lesson learned, I'd still be reporting a gigantic net loss for the business.  The worst thing is that the accountant I consulted told me if we hadn't paid our state sales tax on our meager sales, we could have gotten away with saying the partnership never really became active, and we could have quietly dissolved into a glorious sunset, never to face IRS Forms 1065 and K-1. 

Alas, it's time.  I truly am glad Scott is not here.  It's good that as a woman I have to face the tax man, the tax forms, and the tax instructions alone.  It's kind of like running that damn marathon back in 2001.  I have something to prove to myself.  I am not stupid, despite my feelings in this arena, and I can figure it out.  I love my husband for giving me a swift kick in the right direction to see this thing through no matter how it comes out.  He's not worried about me doing it perfectly, he has every confidence I will complete it, and he is eager for me to learn all I can from the successes and the mistakes.  Thanks tons, honey.

I will not go to sleep until the forms are completed.  Copies and mailing to occur first thing tomorrow.  I'll let you know how long it takes me.

This and that

Some bits from the week...

My little Leonardo Da Vinci...I'm in awe watching this child explore and learn.  He was fascinated for an hour by building pipe systems that allow water to flow at the Waterworks exhibit, Children's Museum of Houston.  He would have stayed longer, but our companions were hungry.


Breakfast.  Fresh milled spelt and kamut with a little cornmeal, bananas and blackberries.  Yum.

Simple Yet Effective Shawl .  I just love this.  The yarn is Mountain Colors Sapphire Trails from Corvallis, MT!

Assymetrical inspiration in labradorite chips, freshwater pearls, and hematite.  I've been wearing this one a lot lately (left).

An amber experiment for my friend, Lori (below, right).

I've had quite a creative burst this week.  I think I'm anticipating summer's end, the start of preschool, looking for a job that will let me clock hours toward my counseling license, and generally have my time tighten up a bit.  The fall will be full, with deadlines and projects for my 25th college reunion, a week of solo parenting while Scott enjoys his boy's week out, and a few weekend excursions in the works. 

But more immediately...

What will today hold?  Hot weather, swimming, reading books, crafting, fresh pesto with mushroom ravioli, and Silas' Friday before bed treat:  One episode of Bob the Builder.  Maybe we'll throw homemade strawberry ice pops in the mix, too.

Button love ::: how can we not love this?

Button It Up, by Susan Beal is hitting the blogosphere today.  I haven't had the chance to look at it in person yet, but hope to soon.   Unlike one of my friends, who has jars of vintage buttons, I have only those I've collected in those little envelopes that come with clothing from department stores and leftovers from sewing projects.  Since I stopped shopping at department stores a long time a go, that means most of my buttons are vintage 80's and 90's pieces.  So snazzy...

Nevertheless, I've managed to make a few buttoned up projects. I'll put up my Christmas Tree stocking later.  Here's some jewelry.  Excuse the blurry pic's.  These were taken in a hurry. My favorite is the wooden and blue buttons enhanced with sodalite and onyx rounds and kyanite soft squares.  Soft and natural.  None of these are listed at  Citrine and Soul because I'm still developing the line.  Feedback is welcome.

     

 

 

A few little things

I've been busy this weekend posting some new jewelry on my etsy site.  You can see lots more at Citrine & Soul. Some other things to delight it:

...Cracking fresh coconuts, drinking coconut water and eating coconut flesh.  Thanks, Melanie!

...The daily New York Times feed.

...Grandparents.

...My 1999 Volvo stationwagon.  I don't love it as much as I loved my Subaru Forester, but I do feel safe (and I have a sun roof.  Winter is the only time it's in use in Houston).

...Yoga in all its endless varieties.  This weekend I attended a Vinyasa Krama workshop--very interesting.

...And The Pursuit of Happiness .

                

            

Homebodies

Things I'm digging today...

My new tradition of grinding my own spelt and other grains just prior to baking.

The smell of fresh baked bread and blueberry banana muffins adapted from Soulemama. I used 1 cup fresh ground spelt, 1/2 cup ground oat bran, and 1/2 cup cornmeal.

New knitting projects knitty.

Cold weather and sunshine!

New jewelry posted for sale at Citrine & Soul.

My kid's refusal to be photographed in his cute hat wearing-ness.

My new (from craigslist) dehydrator.  Mmmm...dried mangoes.  Really I got it for dehydrating sprouted grains for later grinding and baking.

Arriving at Silas' preschool in time for his music class.  Two girls who've adoped me as surrogate mama grabbed my hand and pulled me into the singing, dancing circle.

Feeling somewhat healthier than yesterday.  I'm in the drippy, sneezy phase of my cold.  

'Tis the season ::: The stocking project ::: Days 5 & 6

Jewelry party frenzy is over.  I feel so grateful for the lovely and generous group of friends who came to share the experience with me.  We had a good time and it was definitely the high point in my short career in jewelry. 

Yesterday's stocking project activity:  Hang the St. Nicholas Day stocking   Today's activity:  In honor of St. Nicholas (patron saint of children), find the treasures in the St. Nicholas stocking and read the book pictured here. Then, tonight at my friends annual dessert fundraiser for pediatric liver research we will make a donation.  I chose to honor St. Nicholas as the truth that evolved into the Santa Claus mythology. I love that this day precedes Christmas by a almost three weeks so we can spend most of it focused on the meaning of the season. 

Happy St. Nicholas' Day!

Here are some pic's of the jewelry displays after the sale was over--I forgot to take any pic's of the full display and unfortunately did not get photos of all the new stuff we made between our last event and today.  Oh, well.  Let it go, let it flow.  1) Matched set gemstone jewelry.  2) Single earrings, bracelets, necklaces. 3) Swarovski crystal.