Control (of self and others) is a big topic of conversation around here lately. As you may or may not know, I've set a goal to be less controlling and to worry less in my parenting (...and my life?) this year. As it turns out, I've embarked on quite a journey of self discovery as well as a new level of intimacy with my child.
My efforts at releasing control and worry have yielded some truly astonishing insights, but I've also learned how frequently I am unaware that I am being/being perceived as worrying or controlling. Silas chose a code word, "pilot", to let me know when he thinks I am being overly intrusive on his autonomy. The brilliance of his word choice didn't hit me until recently when I started meditating on all the ways my "piloting" of him interferes with his ability to pilot himself, and my ability to "pilot" my own life.
It turns out that both of us stand to gain from increased focus on "piloting" ourselves rather than each other. The other day I came to see how my constant prodding to do this or that in this time frame, to eat or not eat this or that, to limit time on this or that, to do this or that in this certain careful way, etc., actually could in the long term undermine his ability to trust his own judgment about things and learn to learn from his own experiences. It could backfire and actually create dependence on some outside voice to tell him if such and such is "okay." Fortunately for me, Silas is young enough and strong enough in himself to get this. He jumped on the "mommy needs to control less" bandwagon instantly. Since we've started, I can actually see in his face how crazy I am being at times. He is not fooled by my illusion that I am in control, and he is immensely relieved and excited when I back off.
Thus, I find myself dancing on a very fine line between being a useful guide and supporter who provides good information about the world as I see it, and allowing him to have his own experiences, make his own decisions, and conduct his own experiments in living. He is only 6 and half, after all. I do have more information, I understand long term consequences better than he does, and I don't want him to go through life feeling alone and giving up when things get hard (in the ways I did). These are all sound ways that I get to be a strong and effective parent.
The flip side is that I've learned that my worrying and controlling are motivated often by various fears, habits and anxieties, as well as the need to feel useful and needed and relevant. The bottom line is I have needed to feel "in control" for a long time. None of this is actually beneficial for either of us any more. My task is to tease out the positive parental role from both my fears about giving him maximum autonomy and my tendency to evade/avoid taking full responsibility for "piloting" my own life rather than reacting to my environment.
It turns out that I devote an immense amount of psychic and physical energy to making things happen or not happen, as the case may be. I am now questioning how many of those things actually need to happen? And, of those that do need to happen, how many actually need to happen in the time and manner I try to encourage/enforce/impose? And, what would I do with the energy that would be unleashed if I could stop policing my environment and the people in it? In what direction would I "pilot" myself? Big questions for me, with huge consequences for all of us.
I come by this vigilance, policing, controlling, worrying very honestly. I grew up in a chaotic environment and was pretty much left on my own to manage. One coping strategy was to decide that if I could predict what was likely to happen, I could either a) develop strategies to prevent or mitigate untoward events and outcomes, or b) at least prepare myself to weather the storm. These strategies were quite brilliant for allowing me some illusion of control in a situation over which, as a child, I actually had little real influence or control. But, the illusion gave me a certain confidence and prevented me from feeling my full vulnerability and victimization. I was able to deny the degree of negligence and culpability and incapability of those around me. I also developed excellent microexpression reading and executive functioning skills (analysis, planning, strategic thinking, organizational skills, etc.).
So, I don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but I do have to break down the illusion of control. As, Byron Katie, would say, "Whose business are you in?" You can only be in yours, other's, or God's. The only place where you can actually do anything is when you are in your own business. To admit that I don't have a place where I am entitled to impose myself in what is truly my child's business is challenging and difficult. As best I can define it now, my place as a parent is to be trustworthy, reliable and available as a resource that he can choose to invite into his experience of the world. And, he needs me to clearly pilot my own life, communicate my own needs honestly and respectfully, and stay close enough to be available without intruding uninvited into his life. This requires me to trust both him and myself more, and to let go of needing him to use me as a resource.
More to come, for sure....
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