Breath by Breath

Spring scenes

Sometimes life is just so very full. I've written before about the notebook I keep of my "accomplishments", big and small. As I review my notes from time since I've last posted, these are some things that jump out at me.

::: Teaching yoga two, sometimes three times a week and growing in intimacy, caring and engagement with my friends/students.

::: Managing tons and tons of financial and personal matters (insurance, retirement, education savings, taxes, mortgage, wills). I take all this on so that I am completely in the know about our situation and have educated opinions, suggestions and advice to offer.

::: Decided to buy a used car and then decided to get energy efficient windows instead. They still aren't installed.

::: Knitted a kindle cover, a scarf for a gift, one sock, and finished knitting a shawl my mother started but couldn't finish due to her arthritis. Spool knit another rainbow garland for the party supply box.

::: Finished stripping and staining our old 15-drawer dresser and another piece of furniture.

::: Silas spontaneously switched from a "join us in bed every night" kind of kid, to a "sleep in his own bed most of the time" kind of kid. We are all sleeping better and I feel great about how we've evolved.

::: Read several books for pleasure (all on Kindle) -- The Paris Wife, Pride and Prejudice, Emma, The Sense of an Ending. I've now tackled The Brothers Karamozov.

::: Read The Science of Yoga, (also for pleasure, but of a different kind).

::: Cooked and cooked and cooked some more. Our CSA is abundantly supplying us with vegetables and we are trying our best to eat them.

::: Sewed some jammies for Silas. Repaired three skirts, hemmed pants. Finished and mailed the last of the Picnic Rolls I made for gifts. Cleaned out the closets and donated all the discards.

::: Started voice lessons and love my teacher. Hard to practice with discipline.

::: Play groups, play dates, volunteering at school for every party and event, hosting egg hunts, checking out and booking after school and summer activities, field trips, strawberry picking.

::: Rose tending, palm pruning, tree trimming supervising, front entry way courtyard tearing down, vegetable garden pot planting and maintenance, kishu orange tree learning.

::: Spring deep cleaning, rearranging furniture, aquired a lego table off craigslist, finally chose a kitchen paint color.

::: Coordinated a fantastic mini-reunion with 3 college friends in the D.C. area.

::: Lots of visits with local and semi local family and friends.

::: Got up close and personal with Alice Waters and Sir Ken Robinson.

::: Said goodbye to the Byzantine Fresco Chapel.

::: First visit to Galveston of this year. Trekked at Brazos Bend State Park, visited Shangri-La in Orange, TX, spent a weekend in New Orleans.

::: Booked our whole summer vacation.

::: Riding bicycles everywhere -- school, library, grocery store, for fun.

::: Flying kites out on the green space behind our house.

::: Lego, lego, lego.

::: Star wars, star wars, star wars (and he hasn't seen one movie yet!).

::: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter (we are halfway through book 1).

All is well.

In my kitchen today ::: lots of kale, while standing up

The position I'm most comfortable in right now is standing up.   Consequently, my activities are largely those of the standing variety.  Vacuuming works if I move slowly.  Laundry works if I pay good attention to how I lift and bend when moving things from hamper to washer, washer to dryer.  Sewing would work if I had any projects in mind.  Yoga works if I am super careful and don't lay on my back in Savasana.  Cooking works. 

I've spent a lot of time in the kitchen today.  Potato, leek, carrot, celery, and kale soup.  Bread in the bread machine.  Cutting boards and wooden utensils oiled.  Counters cleaned.  Dishes out of dishwasher.  Dishes in dishwasher.  Dishes out of dishwasher.  Dishes hand-washed.  Snacks made for play date partners.  Floors vacuumed and mopped. The beginnings of holiday crafting.

In and amongst all the standing, it occurred to me to share my favorite kale recipes.  Kale is the king of leafy greens.  It is super nutritious, but often not an immediate favorite for everyone who tries it.  There's no denying it's bitter and the texture can be rubbery if not cooked well. Nevertheless, I've come to love it and I've found a handful of recipes over the past couple of years that I go back to again and again.

These enchiladas, which I've made with yukon gold potatoes, sweet potatoes, and black beans at different times but always wtih kale.  And, the kale and potato soup of today, which is a variation on the potato soup with spinach in this excellent book, but with kale instead of spinach. 

I've found, however that kale totally shines in dishes that are balanced by something really sweet.  My husband can't get enough of a dish introduced to me by Heather over at Beauty that Moves.  It has just a few simple ingredients:  carmelized red onion,  garlic, dried cranberries, apple cider, baked tofu and lots of kale.  We eat it just like that, although she recommends it over a grain of your choice.

Before the holidays I happened to be at Houston's Central Market (an HEB store), where I grabbed a small container of a salad I couldn't resist.  I kept the container because the label they print contains a list of ingredients.  Proportaions aren't included, of course, so I conducted an experiment to see if I could replicate it.  I got so close and it may be even better than the original.  It  was a hit at the holiday luncheon with my yoga class and at our Annual Solstice Tamale Fiesta.   I'm going to include this recipe today.

Fruity and Nutty Kale Salad (served at room temperature)

Proportions can all be adjusted to taste and to the size of your group.

Ingredients

SALAD:

2 large bunches kale, stems trimmed and coarsely chopped

1/4-1/2 cup sliced almonds (raw or lightly toasted)

1/4-1/2 cup pepitas (raw or lightly toasted)

1 cup dried cranberries or dried tart cherries

1/4 finely chopped crystalized ginger

I use a pressure cooker to steam my kale, but you can steam it conventionally as well. 

In the pressure cooker, place 1/2 cup water and a steamer base.  Bring water to boil.  Add chopped kale, cover and lock the lid and bring to high pressure.  Once it comes to high pressure, immediately remove from heat and use a quick release method to reduce pressure. 

If steaming conventionally, steam just until the kale is bright green and beginning to become tender.  The dressing will marinate the kale and soften its texture. 

Dunk the kale in icy cold water to stop the cooking process then spin in a salad spinner to dry. 

Combine kale, with dressing and toss.  Add fruit and cystallized ginger and toss again.  Refrigerate 3 or more hours until about an hour before serving.  Toast the nuts and toss them with the salad right before serving.  Add a little more dressing or serve it on the side.

DRESSING (makes lots and is excellent on any salad or as a marinade):

2 TBSP mirin

2 TBSP sesame oil

1/2 cup grapeseed Oil

1/4 cup orange or tangerine juice, freshly squeezed

1 shallot, finely chopped

1 TSP ground ginger

1-2 TBSP Chives

1 TBSP honey (optional)

Chop the shallot and chives.  Juice the orange or tangerine.  Combine mirin, oils, juice, shallot, ginger and honey (if needed).  Whisk or shake to emulsify. 

Exploring the art of happy

I recently read this translation of Anna Karenina, my first reading of this, Tolstoy's self-proclaimed first real novel.  I was enraptured by the characters and fell a little in love with Tolstoy, who was so deeply flawed and human and therefore able to capture the fullness of each of his characters.  He made it impossible not to identify with or at least understand the motives, thought processes, weaknesses, strengths and vulnerabilities of each person, seen in relief against a background of a particular time and place in history.  I can't say enough good things about it.  I was deeply moved by Levin's spiritual maturation and his discovery that he's happiest when he is engaged in the work that needs to be done (solving disputes among his farmers, tending to his wife and son, ensuring preparations for the harvest, etc.).  When he stops to contemplate the meaning and purpose of his life, he becomes paralyzed and overwhelmed by existential longings and questions.  Hmmm.  I can relate.  

The pursuit of "happiness" being a tantalizing subject for me right now, I turned my attention to The Geography of Bliss, which a friend gave me about 2 years ago (sorry!).  But, it's one of those books that requires a certain mindset.  In my case, Anna Karenina strongly rooted me in a grand, sweeping view of human nature as essentially changeless, but expressed in a nuanced way depending on the social, political and historical circumstances in which a human lives.  The Geography of Bliss is the travel journal of a western worrier and grump who attempts to gain insight about himself by sifting through academic research about happiness and traveling to some of the "happiest" and "unhappiest" places on the planet. His goal?  To get a first hand view of happiness in practice from both cultural and personal perspectives.  As I was reading, I documented the keys to happiness that he identifies.  Here's a smattering directly from my notes:

•  Trust (personal, social, political)
• Lack of envy and either upward or downward comparison
• Embracing trying (and failing)
• Relationships (individual initiative, coupled with social responsibility)
• Creativity (at all levels and abilities.  To paraphrase:  You need a lot of crap to grow something great.)
• A culture of selfish altruism
• Belief in...something
• Being useful, helpful
• A social safety net
• Flow...the pure joy of being
• Hardworking and loving others
• Cold and dark yield coziness and interdependence
• Gratitude
• Happiness is 100% relational
• Not thinking too much
• Tolerance
• Modest expectations but 100% effort (let go of attachment to results)
• If it isn't fun it's not worth doing
• Let go of what you can't control (and all you can control is yourself and your attitude)
• The quality of a society is more important than your place in that society
• Everything you do and every memory of you will likely be gone in 3-4 generations, so don't take it too seriously
• Connection to place/nature

I'm now turning my attention from the theoretical to the practical.  I've resisted reading this book for a while.  The genre of "be like me" middleclass self-disclosure memoirs is a bit tiresome.  I read two earlier this year (Poser and Project Happily Ever After).  I frankly did not like either person as they presented themselves and I found myself full of judgments (I'm suspecting a little projection here...as well as internalized classism).  Nevertheless  I ended up identifying more than I thought with their feelings and experiences.  So, here I am reading, The Happiness Project, another middle class memoir/instruction manual.  I thought it would be  interesting to see a practical journey toward happiness and this is what was out there.  I'm 5/6 of the way through her year-long "project."  Frankly, I can't wait to be done.  I'm not sure I've gained anything useful for my own experience, but I'm reserving judgment.  Actually, I can think of a couple useful things...

• Be a keeper of happy memories.  I come from a family that doesn't talk about the past at all- the good, the bad, or the otherwise.  I didn't realize how much it matters to me to keep memories on behalf of my current family.  I don't scrapbook.  I don't record things faithfully.  But, I take tons of pictures, I keep notes about significant events, I blog.   I will take this role more seriously in the future.
• Do what you do.  Essentially this is a way of saying, "Be yourself."  She says this another way, "You can choose what you do, but you can't choose what you like to do."  If you are looking for more happy in your day, embrace the things you already find yourself doing (in my case, yoga, reading, cooking, bringing people together, writing, making things), and mine your childhood for the things that made your heart sing (acting, singing, building spaces, making up stories and characters).
• Your body matters.  Exercise, food, play and rest yield energy, vitality, stress management, feeling sexy, better sleep, increased patience, elevated mood.....need I say more?
• One of the best ways to get happy is to make others happy.  Conversely, one of the best ways to make others happy is to be happy yourself.  Small, daily happiness is actually really difficult to sustain.  At least one person was sainted for her almost invisible efforts at small happiness (Saint Therese, "I take care to appear happy and especially to be so").

(I guess I am getting more out of it than I thought!)

I think I'll turn to the Dalai Lama's The Art of Happiness next.  I can't help but be inspired by a person who exudes such positive energy and broad perspective in the face of cruelty to his own people and throughout the planet.  I had the privilege of hearing him speak in person once and I will never forget it.  If I ever doubted the power of one person's energy to ripple through and influence the energy of multitudes, I didn't doubt it after being in his presence. 

Here's to actually being happy. 

Embracing ::: appreciating ::: looking forward

Random musings...

1 ::: Our current reality includes public school.  Ahem.  I'm not at peace about that decision, yet I can  embrace the kindness, good intentions, and positive outlook of the teachers and a few good friends Silas is making.

2 ::: We watched "The Wizard of Oz" in two installments these last two Friday nights (our "movie night").  I hesitated to introduce it to Silas at his young age because I was fairly traumatized by one part of it when I was 5 (Spoiler Alert ::: I was so afraid Dorothy wouldn't get home when the balloon took off, I couldn't watch the rest of the movie).  But I also remember looking forward to the annual viewing of this film.  We watched it now because he was shown clips in music class at school and he knows the songs from bedtime singing, and, frankly, I didn't want him to see it elsewhere.  I wanted it to be a family experience/memory.  We had to stop the movie when the witch instructed her minions to go and get Dorothy because Silas got quite scared.  I am proud of how we handled it.  He made the choice to continue after reassurances that Dorothy's friends were coming to help her.  At the end he said, "Mommy, it was all a dream!). 

Remember when you couldn't watch anything "on demand"?  The anticipation of that annual viewing of "The Wizard of Oz", "The Sound of Music", "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", etc., was delicous.  He has friends who have seen all the Star Wars movies over and over, among other things.  We won't let him watch them until he can understand the hero's journey better.  Sometimes I feel like such a freak and I worry we might turn him into one. 

I wish we had more friends who resisted media saturation (iPod, iTouch, iPad, Wii, movies, tv shows, computer games all included), truly embraced imaginative and outdoor play, and protected their children's innocence more fully.  When I watch my boy play with his friends, the scripts they enact come from movies and video games.  Silas plays along and is drawn into the power play of guns and missles and aliens and zombies, all second hand.  Somehow it seems worse here in the suburbs.  Is it?  I find little to embrace in 24-7 media/entertainment culture.  I find it appalling that this is "normal." 

What's to embrace?  When you truly want to see something, you can do it at your convenience (I like watching "The Daily Show" when I want to, for example).  Also, you can stop "The Wizard of Oz" DVD when your child gets scared, rather than pressing on and leaving an indelible fear-filled  memory.  Social media can help you reclaim people lost to changing life circumstances, some of which are beyond your control (like being forced to move towns when you are young).   

 3 ::: We are looking forward to a "mommy date" this week.  I am taking Silas out of school early every now and then to enjoy some alternative education/fun experiences and a break from routine.

4 ::: I appreciate the chance to practice and teach yoga with my friends.  I benefit so much from the discipline and preparation and I enjoy sharing a little of what I know.  I value the increased intimacy and view into each other's lives that happens with the accompanying conversation. 

5 ::: Healing is ongoing and I can use all my power to help it along.  What amazing beings we are!

6 ::: Order and beauty are so underrated!  Even a little clearing out and cleaning up elevates my spirit and makes room for more (ideas, creativity, productivity, ease).

7 ::: I'm embracing the principles and practice of compassionate communication and I'm grateful to my practice group for their willingness to learn together.  It's amazing how my view of situations changes when I ask myself what needs I and the other(s) are trying to meet in a given situation.  It's such a simple thing, but so important in easing the way.

8 ::: I'm looking for some fun! 

Have a great day.

 

A mother's journal ::: bravery

We went skating once before Christmas.  I'm in Houston, remember.  They super cool the rink to 22 degrees in upwards of 70 degree weather.  It's a little embarrassing to think of the energy that is utilized to enable us subtropical people to experience the joy of an outdoor skating rink.  You also put oneself at considerable risk by going out on the ice with a crowd comprised on 98% first time skaters.  "Skaters" who make every novice mistake possible such as holding hands four across, skating clockwise when the set up is for counter-clockwise, crossing in front of people to get the the perceived safety of the side rail, and such.  I'm thrilled people have the chance, but it makes for quite a unique skating adventure.

I grew up in Wisconsin and places north, so a skating rink for us was a plowed area of the lake or a section of river that is frozen all winter long.  We skated outdoors and most frequently at night. I always felt this delicious mix of excitement and fear--you never quite knew where you'd find the boundary of safety.  If the hockey puck drifts away from the plowed area is it safe to go get it?  If you leave the circle of light, does that mean the ice is thinner or no one will see you/hear you if you fall in? How do they know the river is frozen thickly enough?  Was that the sound of cracking ice I just heard?  We were of course regaled with horror stories of the one time someone fell through, and don't we all remember the image from "It's a Wonderful Life" in which George saves his brother after falling through the ice? 

Nonetheless, I have terrific memories of being hot and cold at the same time, of gently falling snow lightly blanketing the surface of the ice, of holding hands through arctic-thick mittens with my eighth-grade boyfriend when we hoped no one was looking, of wondering if my hand-me-down winter coat was too dorky or the wrong color. . . .

So, it's with these memories in mind that I take my son to the rink at least once or twice each season, so he can experience the excitement and novelty of ice, develop some skills that may serve him later in life, and form his own sensory memories of the cold slush that accumulates on the blades, of teetering on ankles that don't quite know what to do, of slipping and falling, and wanting to practice turning and spinning before skating straight is mastered.

We spent part of this past Saturday at the rink.  We arrived just a couple of hours after the U.S. Olympic Team Trials for the Marathon, which were held in Hosuton for the first time.  We were among the few odd balls who weren't in running gear and sweats, carrying gym duffles and swag bags from the nearby running convention at the George R. Brown Convention Center.  We were on the ice with our sweaters and mittens to protect our hands from falls. 

This was our second trip this year.  The first trip was amazing.  It was a cold day and we stayed on the ice from 4 p.m. until after dark.  The city's holiday lights were all around us and they were getting ready to show "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation", I think, on the big screen in the park.   The ice wasn't crowded, it was cold enough that it stayed smooth, people were in good cheer and we met a friend of Silas's by happenstance.   He happily let me do lap after lap forward and backward, while he experimented in the kiddie zone on single-bladed skates for the first time.  He joined me every so often to test his skills on the large rink.  I felt great, hot and cold at the same time and full of all those sensory memories from my childhood.  My legs were strong, I was steady on my feet, and I didn't fall.  I remember wishing I had my current "boyfriend" with me so we could hold hands....

This time was a little different.  We arrived near mid-day.  We were in a bit of hurry because we had somewhere to be at a certain time.  Silas only wanted to practice spinning in the kiddie zone.  The novices were out in force, turning my relaxed and glorious lap after lap into a series of spontaneous and ever-changing obstacle courses which required constant vigilance to protect myself and others.  The sun was out, turning the surface of the ice into a choppy mess and increasing the hazards between Zamboni runs.  I fell not once, but THREE times. 

The final fall occurred as I was exiting the rink for the final time.  I lost my attention for a moment and, smash-ola, I landed squarely on my behind.  I hobbled up, did a little body check to be certain emergency treatment was not needed, gathered our stuff and hobbled to the car for the 30-minute drive home.  I have been nursing what appears to be a sprained bottom every since.  I can't help giggling as I say it.  Sprained bottom.  Bruised coccyx, strained ligaments, gluteal pain-o maximus.  At 49 grand years of age, I wondered, "Should I have skated?"  "What if...it doesn't heal...I broke my hip...I'll never be able to do this again...I'm getting too old????" 

Mostly I am grateful that I am strong and flexible.  I know how to crash.  I know how to use yoga to  maintain my body when it is well and help heal it when it's hurt.  I have strong bones.  I have excellent health insurance if I need it.  I don't depend on my body to earn a living.  I have experience recovering from illness and injury and I have faith in my ability to do both.   I have people at home who can be considerate of my temporary disability.  And, I have the hope of skating again--maybe even in the snowy north someday.  Skiing is also on our winter-spring agenda this year.

In the meantime, I get to appreciate and admire our bravery--Silas's in getting out there to do things he's never done before, and mine for not giving up on things that are exhilarating and fun despite some risk.  

 

Practice notes ::: gratitude list

Thankful Friday begins again...

::: cool nights and warm, sunny days

::: projects completed

::: this recipe which helped me use up last week's CSA bounty of persimmons and prepare for what to do when this week's ripen.  (I made some modifications, but still totally terrific!)

::: more spaghetti squash!

::: daylight savings time's impending termination

::: walking to and from school each afternoon

::: each return to the yoga mat

::: a short break from snipping, glueing, taping, & sewing and a return to the rhythmic motion of knitting.

Have a love-r-ly weekend!

Practice notes ::: gratitude list

Appreciating ...

::: strength and flexibility (of the physical and mental varieties)

::: simple, daily routines

::: CSA-sourced eggplant parmesean, zucchini muffins, mushroom pepper zucchini fritatta

::: eye contact

::: a big sunny shower stall

::: the birds have finally found the feeder

Have a beautiful day!

Practice notes ::: living in a sweat lodge

I am detoxing a bit.  Enjoying the benefits of a pretty rigorous and regular yoga practice and cleaning up my diet, really minimizing the caffeine.  I have a few welcome side effects (deeper sleep, feeling lighter), and a few new and different.  The plumbing system is undergoing an overhaul for sure.  I also have felt an electricity in my system, waves of anxiety and fear rolling out.  Along with this comes the sweat.  I'm talking raindrops are falling off my head, dripping off my arms, soaking my clothes.  Sheets of sweat pour off me as if I were exiting a bath.  I consider the possibility that this might be a first set of hot flashes, but given its coincidence with my dietary and yogic changes, I doubt it.

I appreciate the cleansing, purging, and overall dumping of stuff.  I find this time of year challenging.  I dislike the extension of daylight savings time.  It messes with my natural rhythms.  I'm ready for the sun to be up when I get up.   This detox period feels appropriate to the seasonal change.   I'm looking forward to what the next season holds.

 

Practice notes ::: Right now

Right now I am

:::  enjoying that "wrung out" feeling after a strong yoga practice.  Every cell has been squeezed and rehydrated/aerated and all is spongy and full of prana!

:::  basking in the sound of our wind chimes and genuine breeziness on the deck to cool my sweat

:::  amused by the neighborhood crows' social hour

:::  knowing that my raw veggies are marinating for lunch later on

:::  grieving a bit for Mr.  Jobs.  I am not an Apple product user--never got the habit.  I just mark the passing of a truly innovative leader who bravely and privately faced his mortality and did what he loved until the end.

Have a lovely day.

Nourishment ::: Women, weight, body image and a food and exercise journal

[Throughout this series of posts I sam going to discuss my specific body weight and weights over time.  I firmly believe that how one feels in one's body is what counts most.  Do I feel alive and enthusiastic?  Can I do the things I want to do? Do I have good energy?  Am I sleeping well? 

Women and weight is such a loaded topic.  So many celebrities operate in the 100 pound weight class and set unrealistic models for how we should eat, look and be.  I once had a major television actress tell me at a party that if you weighed above 125 and a size 6, you could never be the lead in a show (unless it was about a fat girl)--you have to be the best friend, the sidekick, whatever.  

I want to discuss a real woman with a real body.  I am 5' 6" tall with medium-large bones.  I build muscle easily.  When I visited a kinesiology lab back in 2002, I had multiple biometrics done. I was told that peak fitness for me would probably be around 145 pounds with 18-19% body fat, but that would require a professional athlete level of commitment to maintain.  This info was helpful to me in forming a realistic sense of my body type and fitness potential.  I will never be a size 2, or 4 or 6 for that matter.  

I hope the specificity is useful...not as a tool for comparing yourself to me or anyone else, but to document the realistic scale (no pun intended) of my journey.  I also want to break any denial I might have about my current physical condition.  I know how I feel physically, I know what my internal body image is, and I have information about what ideal fitness would look like for me. All of that said, let me proceed.]

Fortunately all of my "fat" pictures were taken before the age of digital photography.  Alas, a few were scanned and saved, so I am taking a deep breath and sharing one here.

Once upon a time I weighed in at close to 240 pounds. I lost over 85 pounds in about 18 months starting back in late 1998. I reached my lowest weight of 152 in March of 2000 after my yoga teacher training course.   

[1998]

I am one of the "biggest losers" I know personally. (Kudos to my dear friend Judy who made a similar passage several years before me.) I did it the old fashioned way--I dealt with a lot of emotions for many years to prepare, I exercised my fanny off, and I changed my diet gradually as I felt better and better about myself. I never counted calories and never tried to restrict food.

It took me a very long time to let go of a "fat" identity and really inhabit my smaller, fitter, healthier frame. I suffered quite a bit of disappointment that my formerly fat body would never be a perfect thinner body.  I never remembered feeling anything but fat from about the third grade on, although this picture from college shows I was pretty normal my freshman year. I was moderately active growing up, played tennis recreationally and was a varsity high school basketball and volleyball player.  I also played VB my first year in college.

[Costume Party (me on right), October 1980.  Weight:  165]

[In Baltimore after completing the Marine Corps Marathon, October 2001.  Weight: 156]

I actually didn't know I had let go of the fat identity entirely until recently when I realized that my internal view of myself is smaller, healthier and fitter than I actually am.

[40th birthday party, August 2002.  Weight: 154, 21.5% body fat.]

With accumulated years, becoming a full-time mom (i.e., caring more for others than for myself), and no longer "forcing" myself to exercise, I've allowed myself to keep on my body about 25 of the 45 pounds I added when I was pregnant with Silas. My digestion, energy, sleep, self-esteem, biometrics and health status have all taken a hit.

[May 3, 2006.  Due date May 17, 2006.  Gave birth May 27, 2006. Weight:  200]

I have not been exercising with any intensity.  I do yoga at home fairly often.  I experimented with a beginner's running program this spring (but didn't finish the eight weeks).  

[August 2010, Weight:  180]

My recent 30-day experiment with veganism was the first time I've actually tried to implement any kind of food program and that was only restrictive in content, not volume.  I have avoided restrictive dieting because I know I have more emotional and spiritual work to do to change my eating habits to be truly wholesome and healthy for me.  The chronic anxiety I noticed while on the vegan diet was incredible!

I know a ton about food, nutrition, how to prepare whole and nutritious foods, and how to eat well.  Most of the time I eat very good quality food.  But, it's becoming clear to me that many days I eat too well (meaning too much of the good stuff).  Also, my few food/beverage vices are not doing me any favors in the effort to be fit, stay a big loser, drop these stubborn pounds, and increase my energy (I'm sure I'll discuss these in detail in future posts).

[June 24, 2011.  Weight:  178.5]

So, (drum roll please) I am beginning a food and exercise journal.  My goal is to set measurable goals around food and exercise and actually document what I am doing.  I got away with not paying attention to food when I was younger and exercising like a fiend.  Now that I am perimenopausal, approaching 50, and not wanting to dedicate as much time to exercise, some new strategies are in order.  

I want this to be a combined scientific and spiritual journey.  I want to put into practice the best information I have about optimal health and wellness and marry that with kinder and gentler strategies for nourishing the malnourished parts of my soul, and loving my body through aware eating, movement, touch and rest.

The whole stay-at-home mom lifestyle is awesome in some ways.  I was a person who took my professional responsibilities very seriously and had difficulty drawing boundaries around my job that allowed me to have a life.  The spontaneity, openness, receptivity, etc., required as a SAHM have made me realize how lovely and easy in some ways life can be and how to take joy in the many small moments.   (We all know I think being a SAHM also can be terribly difficult, exhausing, isolating, and unrewarding.)

I have to admit that in some ways I've become a bit lazy. I have used my role as a way of excusing undisciplined and unfocused behavior, and for abandoning myself as a woman and mother in both crucial and costly ways. So, I intend to have this journal keep me honest with myself in the best, non-punative sense.  If I'm not acting on my goal, then the goal isn't real.

Why share the journey in public?  I need to track myself and be tracked by others. When I was hugely fat, no one talked about it.  It wasn't polite.  Thus, I stayed isolated and suffered quiet humiliation, knowing I had a very visible external reflection of my internal struggles.  

Sharing this journey openly is a step toward claiming visibility and denouncing that there is anything shameful in this.  We all struggle in this life.  Some struggles are easy to hide because they are socially condoned (obsessive cleaning, workaholism, perfectionism).  Others remain hidden for months, years or lifetimes because they can be (hoarding, domestic abuse, gambling, overspending).  Some struggles are worn externally (smoking, cutting, anorexia nervosa, obesity).  

So, no more silent struggle!  Here we go.  

I plan to report weekly on Saturdays.