Breath by Breath

Spring scenes

Sometimes life is just so very full. I've written before about the notebook I keep of my "accomplishments", big and small. As I review my notes from time since I've last posted, these are some things that jump out at me.

::: Teaching yoga two, sometimes three times a week and growing in intimacy, caring and engagement with my friends/students.

::: Managing tons and tons of financial and personal matters (insurance, retirement, education savings, taxes, mortgage, wills). I take all this on so that I am completely in the know about our situation and have educated opinions, suggestions and advice to offer.

::: Decided to buy a used car and then decided to get energy efficient windows instead. They still aren't installed.

::: Knitted a kindle cover, a scarf for a gift, one sock, and finished knitting a shawl my mother started but couldn't finish due to her arthritis. Spool knit another rainbow garland for the party supply box.

::: Finished stripping and staining our old 15-drawer dresser and another piece of furniture.

::: Silas spontaneously switched from a "join us in bed every night" kind of kid, to a "sleep in his own bed most of the time" kind of kid. We are all sleeping better and I feel great about how we've evolved.

::: Read several books for pleasure (all on Kindle) -- The Paris Wife, Pride and Prejudice, Emma, The Sense of an Ending. I've now tackled The Brothers Karamozov.

::: Read The Science of Yoga, (also for pleasure, but of a different kind).

::: Cooked and cooked and cooked some more. Our CSA is abundantly supplying us with vegetables and we are trying our best to eat them.

::: Sewed some jammies for Silas. Repaired three skirts, hemmed pants. Finished and mailed the last of the Picnic Rolls I made for gifts. Cleaned out the closets and donated all the discards.

::: Started voice lessons and love my teacher. Hard to practice with discipline.

::: Play groups, play dates, volunteering at school for every party and event, hosting egg hunts, checking out and booking after school and summer activities, field trips, strawberry picking.

::: Rose tending, palm pruning, tree trimming supervising, front entry way courtyard tearing down, vegetable garden pot planting and maintenance, kishu orange tree learning.

::: Spring deep cleaning, rearranging furniture, aquired a lego table off craigslist, finally chose a kitchen paint color.

::: Coordinated a fantastic mini-reunion with 3 college friends in the D.C. area.

::: Lots of visits with local and semi local family and friends.

::: Got up close and personal with Alice Waters and Sir Ken Robinson.

::: Said goodbye to the Byzantine Fresco Chapel.

::: First visit to Galveston of this year. Trekked at Brazos Bend State Park, visited Shangri-La in Orange, TX, spent a weekend in New Orleans.

::: Booked our whole summer vacation.

::: Riding bicycles everywhere -- school, library, grocery store, for fun.

::: Flying kites out on the green space behind our house.

::: Lego, lego, lego.

::: Star wars, star wars, star wars (and he hasn't seen one movie yet!).

::: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter (we are halfway through book 1).

All is well.

Practice Notes ::: practicing practicing

I missed my Saturday check in. Lots of reasons. Garage sale, lots of stuff to do, misplaced camera (can I post without a picture of some kind?), blah, blah. The truth is that it was a challenging week and I have failure (learning? observations? insights?) to report.

The big news: be careful what you put your attention on.

I learned this week (again for the hundredth time) that putting my attention on food, makes me eat food! I had a terrible summer cold last week, my periodic visitor arrived, I was prepping for a garage sale, craigslisting, and parenting through it all. I tried to journal my food, but kept grazing and grazing and grazing and stopped writing.

So, I decided this weekend that the flaw in my plan is that I want to focus on doing and documenting what I am increasing in my life. I'm still going to journal my food, but put my attention of what I am doing, not eating.

I know from experience that if I fill my life with the things I want, I become too engaged to go to the kitchen. There's no shortage of things I want more of, but wanting is not enough. I am learning again and again that if you aren't doing (practicing) the things you want, then you aren't really living. So, this week my focus is on the act of practicing practicing the things I want in my life.

::: physical activity (bike riding on errands, playing games and sports, water activities, etc.)

::: creative and/or productive projects

::: music

::: fun and laughter

::: water and green vegetables

::: inspiration (conversations, reading, the arts)

::: romance

::: courage to face the "full catastrophe" of living without numbness or insulation

Let's see what happens next, yes?

Weight: +0.5

Home crafts ::: Ode to a home

A house and heart full of love.

We will most likely never live in this house again. I feel like I can't breathe from the upswell of emotion (is it grief, gratitude, loss?) as I am flooded with thoughts and memories. I have to let it go, leave it behind.

I know I will remember a lot, but the truth is that I'll forget more than I can hold on to.

I've known this house since fall 1998, when it was an old, if solid, dated house full of thrifted and inherited furniture, a slow growth of mildew, no central A/C and no sheet rock in much of it. Oh, the memories.

::: Those first visits in the early dating period with the refrigerator loaded with apple cider, peanut butter and a Tillamook baby loaf and a freezer full of individual servings of enchilada pie and tamales.

x ::: All the places and ways I fell in love in that house....dancing, conversation, lounging, cuddling.

::: Moving in and insisting that all the house had to be ours. We couldn't just add my stuff, we had to integrate, purge and add.

::: Leaving for a month for yoga teacher training and returning to what was now my home, and the decision to have a wedding.

::: Training for the Marine Corps Marathon and waking up for a 4 am run to find the entire street up to our second step flooded from tropical storm Allison and two flooded cars.

::: Completely rennovating and updating the house--together. Learning so much about each other in the process of doing the design and much of the work ourselves.

::: Leaving this house in the hands of a tenant for two years and exploring other lands.

::: Returning home with a 4 week old baby and all the adjustments to a life that was at once familiar and completely alien.

::: Creating a room of my own for yoga, sewing, jewelry-making, etc.

::: The kitchen--thousands of nourishing meals made and consumed.

::: The garden--experiments in enriching our diet and our lives by growing our own food.New friends, deeper friendships, expanded circles, new rituals.

::: The initiation of the Winter Solstice Tamale Fiesta and the ever increasing sense of autheticity, closeness and willingness to share amongst our community.

::: All the milestones of early childhood witnessed and shared here--babbling, crawling, walking, sign language, talking, climbing, building, creating.

::: All the growth of my niece and nephew from tiny little ones to great grown teenagers and adults.

One can never capture a life well-lived all of a piece. As I write each of these memories, my mind associates with dozens more, most of which are so personal and deeply intimate that they can't be captured or shared in this forum.

By nature memory is fragmented. Moments blend with memories, certain things crystalize while others are held as mere impressions. Some reside in our senses alone. It's all in there, though. Every moment. The daily joys of the life we live, with our chosen family in a home we've made, is a precious thing, indeed.

As I let go of our house last week, what struck me most was that all I remembered were good things. The perfect moments. The shared love. The openness. The joy. I wondered why this was so? We certainly have had our share of strife and upset.

Perhaps it is the good that actually lasts. What endures is the essence of a thing. I hope so. If this is true than the essence of our life there is love, engagement, sharing, learning, giving, growing.

I accept the gift of my life there and the memories that we made there. Nothing can take it away. As we move forward to the new, all that we have ever been is part of all we will become. Goodbye house and home that I love. Thanks for everything.

Hello new house and new life. May you become (may we make you) a true home to gently hold our hearts and our love.

 

 

Nourishment ::: in praise of summer fruit

We are on the cusp of freedom. We've spent several months fixing up our former house and settling into our new life.  Just as the burden of the old is about to be released, it's time to embrace the fullness of the sweltering, humid, semi-tropical Hurricane season here in the Gulf Coast, even though this year has been odd and almost Phoenix-like ::: hot, dry, and windy. 

We live 30 minutes closer to the beach than we used to, and we are only minutes from Clear Lake, a beautiful body of water that dumps into Galveston Bay.  We've yet to explore the riches of the water culture here--sea kayaking, wind surfing, kite surfing, sailing, fishing(?)--although Scott and I had a lovely date one night sitting on a high outdoor deck over the water in Seabrook listening to a surprisingly terrific Rolling Stones cover band.  We felt as if we were on vacation, a mere 15 minutes from our house.  I had to wear a sweater!

The burdens of this winter/spring gently urged us against planting a garden at our new house.  Given the amazing drought conditions, I'm glad we didn't.  We now have time to really think about where and how a garden will succeed here, and we've also discovered some new and loved sources of local products. 

Today, as I wait for my fresh blackberry scones to bake, I savor the most remarkable local, juicy, sweet, succulent peach.  Do any words exist to describe the perfect peach?  It must be experienced. I all but devoured an entire cantaloupe before I made my coffee.  The melons this year have been perfect.  I heard that dry years, counterintuitively, produce incredible watermelons and cantaloupe(s?).    

 Fresh Texas watermelon.  Peaches.  Blackberries.  Blueberries.  Mmmm.  Cantaloupe.  Tomatoes!   

 I want to send a special shout out to some of our most recent providers of nourishing produce:

Rudy's Peach Orchard, Neal's Berry Farm and, our regular CSA, Wood Duck Farm.  These incredibly hard-working folks promulgate a cherished tradition of local farming against amazing odds in the sprawling greater Houston area.  They are encroached upon by surburbia and all the environmental hazards and challenges posed by a metropolis.  They are terrorized by fire ants (and other pests), and they are at the mercy of the elements in so many ways.  Rudy and Neal are not young men.  I only hope they have apprentices who are willing and eager to learn and who will have the courage to preserve and carry on local farming traditions for generations to come.

I send you all a heartfelt, "Thank you!" 

A mother's journal ::: A dramatic debut

Before I (and my yoga practice) got derailed yesterday, I had planned to post this: 

Drama Camp

Silas attended a drama camp at his school these past few days.  A mixed age group of children (3 to 8 or so), under the leadership of the school's faculty and some outside help created sets, advertisements, tickets, learned songs and dances, and collectively told this story. (Parents provided the costumes, which were incredible). 

(We all walked the red carpet as we entered, viewing each child's headshot and self-generated art.  No detail was left untended by our group.) 

The show was a mash up of a bunch of fairy tales, written by our teachers.  Silas was Jack (of Jack and the Beanstalk).   The children reliably kept all the secrets of the story and the action from the intended audience, which is a tall order for this young group.  The camp lasted 7 days over a two week period.

My proud mommy moments:

::: Silas said his lines with great diction and projection.

::: After it was over, each child went to the microphone and announced his or her name and role.  Again, Silas proudly and loudly stated, "I'm Silas A____ and I played the role of Jack."

The whole thing was funny and sweet and all the children had tremendous fun.  What a tribute to the crew at The Lab School.  I am not sharing more pictures because they all contain multiple children and I don't have permission to publish them AND my camera was not cooperating with the light, so many of my shots (like this one) are mediocre at best.  Alas, it will have to live in memory.

 
Silas in his Jack costume (getting his feet stuck in his chair as he awaited his cue).

A crafty note:  I stitched up his costume one afternoon during the birthday preparation frenzy.  I downsized a thrifted blouse I'd never warn in order to make his vest, using the existing buttons and loops and making my own bias tape to finish the shoulders.  The pants are my throw down kid pants/shorts with elastic waist and rear pocket.  In this case in an awesome brown linen I've had sitting around for a long time.  I like them so much, I think I'll make a pair for myself some day.  I have about 5 yards of it.

Happy Sunday!

Practice notes ::: "Mama, I want breakfast!"

 

I can't tell you the number of mothers I see who say their yoga practice now consists of mindfulness meditation while doing chores, and breathing deeply when things get hard.  I struggle here as well.  

Motherhood, particularly stay-at-home motherhood/housewifehood, (for some women) means the end of a whole host of self-care routines, not to mention personal time, personal passions and friendships.  Our isolated nuclear families and the surrounding fear-based culture, make it really difficult to feel connected and supported (at least for me).  In the days of yore when people had large families and lived in close harmony with neighbors and extended family, my fanstasy is that there was always someone around to talk to (for the mom) and play with (for the children).   House work may have been harder, but it was probably a little less isolated.  I'm guessing everyone also expected less from their lives, excluded as they were from a 24/7 onslaught of images depicting narrow slices of the lives of exceptional people with seemingly perfect lives (and we don't watch TV!).

It's easy to feel like a public utility as a stay-at-home mom/housewife.  You're always there.  Flip a switch and there's light, turn on the faucet and there is water.  Clean clothes, laundry, social engagements, birthday parties, healthy and nutritious meals all appear at regular intervals, without even having to flip a switch or turn on a light.  (I see my metaphor is off.   Mother's are more like the sun and the moon, air and weather.)  

Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and got up at 5 am for some quiet time.  I started my yoga practice around 6:30 and at 7:10, my little one comes on the deck and says, "I need breakfast, I'm starving."  He wouldn't wake up his dad because he was asleep, but interrupting my yoga was completely justified because I was awake.  Never mind that he had no idea what he would actually eat for breakfast and it took us 10 minutes of strife to settle on raisin bread with strawberry fruit spread. 

Alas, my personal yoga practice was derailed.... again.  This time I made it through half of my asana and none of my meditation.  Better than nothing, but incomplete and leaving me slightly resentful at my husband, for being completely oblivious in sleep, at my son for putting his needs first (as a 5-year old should), and at myself...for not doing yoga at 5 a.m., for not doing meditation first, for giving my child too many choices, for letting myself become a public utility or being an exploited/taken-advantage-of  natural resource.

A while back I read something that made me willing to try practicing asana openly in our house.  The theory was that by sacrificing some amount of concentration and focus, by being flexible and responsive even while practicing, the yoga becomes part of your family culture and will subtly influence everyone.  Rigid identification with solo practice is actually not practical or healthy.  I've had some success with this, but not today.  After getting my son breakfast, I couldn't go back to practicing.  I was feeling too much.

When I've tried to express my challenges here, my husband says, "Do what you need to do."  But, it is easy to talk myself out of "needing" to go to the movies and have a chat fest with a girlfriend.  And, even though I know if I "fill my well" I'll have more to offer, I won't leave the house to exercise in the morning because it means Silas will wake up to find me gone and have to deal with an over tired night owl dad.  I haven't successfully scheduled any regular evening appointments (music lessons or such)  because my dear husband can't commit to being home in good time and I feel guilty scheduling a babysitter (even if I could find one I trusted), just in case he won't be home in time. 

I sound like I'm simply complaining about my marriage and motherhood, but it's not about that exactly.  It's about the challenge of loving myself through the choices and empowering myself to assert my needs for things that are essential to my well being.  It's about trusting that I can meet my family's needs and my own, while staying close and connected--without pulling away emotionally and becoming a defensive, self-protecting automaton.     It's about trusting the inherent resilience of a child to adapt to his mother--if she's happy, he's happy.  It's about appropriately letting go of needing things to be a certain way in order for me to be happy, but also recognizing that I also get to honor my needs for connection and self expression.

I see women all the time who go off to work at a job they love 8 or 10 hours a day, who have weekly dinner clubs with friends, who go to the gym 4 times a week, take dance class, train for and compete in triathlons, etc.  I am mystified.  Some of them have multiple children.  They love their children and their children love them.  Clearly it's possible.  I just haven't cracked the code yet. 

How do you do it?   Are your expectations higher or lower?  Are you guilt-free or guilt-ridden?  Do you feel like you are taking care of yourself or does it just look like it?  What is your husband's role?  Are you more self-disciplined that I am?  Is your self-esteem higher? 

 As I continue to mull it over and take tiny steps toward change, please clue me in.

Up, up and away...suburbia beckons

I've been away from this space while my little family discussed, disagreed, evaluated, educated, plotted, planned, and began to implement the next phase of our domestic life.

My dear husband spends about 1-1/2 hours a day in his car traveling to and from work.  The school system in Houston is not organized around a neighborhood school concept and every child in our neighborhood attends a different public or private school.  We all want more family time and more shared parenting for their own sake, but also so I can slowly return to the workforce and we can each pursue some personal passions.  We want to enjoy our home space more without so much clutter and with larger closets!!! (Our current house was built in 1917 and has cardboard box-sized closets.) 

Alas, we've been contemplating a move to the Clear Lake area of Houston, near the NASA Johnson Space Center where my husband is a gainfully (and satisfactorily) employed civil servant.  These past months demonstrated that the future is uncertain at any time and with both aging parents and a young child, we are headed for many years of uncertainty.  Therefore, we concluded that we want to make the years between now and my husband's retirement as simple and satisfying as we can, so that we are able to easily and gracefully respond to any unforseen or inevitable situations that rest ahead.

When we started on this journey, neither of us were enthusiastic about moving to the 'burbs and couldn't imagine anything beyond an older, cookie cutter cul-de-sac subdivision. Both of us have lived in large urban areas almost our entire adult lives and we enjoy and cherish the architectural mosaic, diversity, cultural resources, and other amenities the city offers.  

We were completely taken by surprise one day when we happened upon a property that shifted our perspective about the suburbs.  We didn't know what the house was like, but we knew the view and somewhat wild space around it were virtually unheard of.  Thus began our pursuit (quest, odyssey?). 

Yesterday, we signed the contract on a home with this view.  Closing is a few weeks away, but the deal is pretty well sealed.

 

Once we decided we could live in this (capacious and unusually organized) house on our terms (e.g., make the huge living room into a pool/pingpong/play/media/music room).  And, once we realized that we didn't need to rush out and get a giant $3000 leather sectional sofa and 48" flat screen TV for this TV-less family.  We warmed up to the rather enormous dimensions of the spaces we will occupy come 2011.  There is LOTS of space for our little family.  Pictures of the interior will have to wait unti we have the keys!

We were sold ultimately on these lovely qualities:

• view
• running room for child and dog
• large, walkable green space accessible from the yard
• very hospitable environment to offer guests
• access to good roads
• proximity to work, services and community rec center
• walkable, good school less than 1/2 mile away
• good natural Feng Shui, with some easy fixes...if you're into that kind of thing.

Of course, it's not all rosy.  The house is 30-years old.  It bakes, bathes and percolates in a hot, humid climate with the accompanying gargantuan AC bills.  Some significant infrastructure updates, maintenance and repairs are needed.  We'll be in the surbubs (did I mention that?). 

I'll be posting more as we move toward and adapt to suburban life.  I've NEVER lived in a suburb and have a lot to learn about how to do that and maintain our integrity.  In the meantime, we'll be picturing and planning to inhabit our "room with a view."

Blogging silence ::: seeking peace

I've kept silence here for quite a while now.  My absence wasn't intentional, I just found myself immersed in lots of intensive parenting, physical activity, thinking, reading, interesting developments in lots of relationships, weighing of options, making decisions, knitting, mild illness...in other words, life. 

I'm in a deep period of reconnecting with my heart's center, finding a peaceful daily rhythm, and mostly infusing everything I do with a peaceful, loving, unhurried, unconflicted and pure energy.  My objective--to increase mindfulness in everything I do...walking, cooking, laundry, parenting, loving, dishwashing, cleaning up, professional work seeking, big decision-making, dancing.  I believe it's possible to feel peaceful and solid in my center no matter what is going on around me.

As inspiration, I've been enjoying this lovely book and have gained insight from this and this as well.  I went to hear Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love and Committed last Monday, and was inspired by her comments on women & creativity, the necessity of being brave, and her admiration and love for her "hero" (her mother).

Here's a few images from our past couple of weeks. 

 

Leg warmers (my own pattern) in Mission Falls 1824 Superwash Merino.

 

Block city ::: 1

 

Block city ::: 2

Cooperative (mostly) play

 

Engineering

 

Replica of Papa's glue gun. Dora and puppy are the glue chambers where melting occurs.

 

The Whole Foods bag "Wall-E."

Shawl that Jazz is begun in Cascade Eco+

Advent stockings ::: Day 1

I know everyone probably feels this way, but I cannot believe we are doing this again!  I was a fairly new blogger when I posted this.  I know I just packed these things away, and here my darling child is a year older, full of more questions, and determined to do everything himself (except hang the chili pepper lights).  For three days he's been asking, "Is it December yet?"  He is actually anticipating our advent activities this year.  

I've already had conversations with two other mothers about how to "do" Christmas went you aren't religious and definitely are not into the whole gimme, gimme gift/Santa culture.  I'm looking forward to many more discussions over the next few weeks that will enhance and clarify my ongoing efforts to share personally meaningful traditions and also take a principled stance with my child about it all. 

All that aside, today is the opening of advent.  Our #1 stocking is the Switzerland stocking.  We reminisced about our trip there 1 1/2 years ago.  The paper inside said, "Hang stockings and decorate mantle with St. Nicholas', Santas & Carolers.  Have hot cider & a treat."  (While listening to holiday music, of course.  Today's selections from Bing Crosby & Judy Garland.) 

We got a little ahead of ourselves and put out the menorah, the advent wreath, and our two special ornament hangers (mini trees), as well as a few ornaments on the iron tree. 

 

Treats on our new Spode "Christmas" dishes (thanks, Grand!); the holiday books.

 

Opening the first box and unwrapping.  "Why are they singing?" "Is this Santa or St. Nicholas?"  "Can I finish my cookie now?"

Hanging the stockings.  This one's papa's.  The set of traditional wooden German wedding ornaments my parents gave us.  Silas painstakingly unwrapped each and asked it's meaning, e.g., the rose is affection, Santa is goodwill, the bunny is hope, the tea pot is for hospitality, etc....

The Santa Mantle

So it begins....

Thankful Friday ::: 2

Here is a small sample of my blessings of the period:

 

- Sore muscles from my tap dancing class (which means I'm able to--and am--MOVING again).

- The "Slow, Fat Triathlete" -- such humor and intelligence in her books, especially the "Shape Up With..." one.

- An amazing, warm and caring gesture from my friend M that has yielded huge benefits in my thinking about my life and future.  Proving that one brief and fleeting moment can actually change everything and that any gesture of love has unfathomable significance.

- Skills to walk through the fire with loved ones and to come out closer and more connected than we were before. 

- One good night's sleep.

- Lots of laughter.

And, from Silas:

- I get to be home with mama today.

- That I get to hear songs.

Note:  We are appreciating Tom Knight's cd's today.  He is a lovely man I met at Ecovillage at Ithaca who has recently relocated to Northampton, MA.  Introduce your young ones today!  Check him out here.