Breath by Breath

Spring scenes

Sometimes life is just so very full. I've written before about the notebook I keep of my "accomplishments", big and small. As I review my notes from time since I've last posted, these are some things that jump out at me.

::: Teaching yoga two, sometimes three times a week and growing in intimacy, caring and engagement with my friends/students.

::: Managing tons and tons of financial and personal matters (insurance, retirement, education savings, taxes, mortgage, wills). I take all this on so that I am completely in the know about our situation and have educated opinions, suggestions and advice to offer.

::: Decided to buy a used car and then decided to get energy efficient windows instead. They still aren't installed.

::: Knitted a kindle cover, a scarf for a gift, one sock, and finished knitting a shawl my mother started but couldn't finish due to her arthritis. Spool knit another rainbow garland for the party supply box.

::: Finished stripping and staining our old 15-drawer dresser and another piece of furniture.

::: Silas spontaneously switched from a "join us in bed every night" kind of kid, to a "sleep in his own bed most of the time" kind of kid. We are all sleeping better and I feel great about how we've evolved.

::: Read several books for pleasure (all on Kindle) -- The Paris Wife, Pride and Prejudice, Emma, The Sense of an Ending. I've now tackled The Brothers Karamozov.

::: Read The Science of Yoga, (also for pleasure, but of a different kind).

::: Cooked and cooked and cooked some more. Our CSA is abundantly supplying us with vegetables and we are trying our best to eat them.

::: Sewed some jammies for Silas. Repaired three skirts, hemmed pants. Finished and mailed the last of the Picnic Rolls I made for gifts. Cleaned out the closets and donated all the discards.

::: Started voice lessons and love my teacher. Hard to practice with discipline.

::: Play groups, play dates, volunteering at school for every party and event, hosting egg hunts, checking out and booking after school and summer activities, field trips, strawberry picking.

::: Rose tending, palm pruning, tree trimming supervising, front entry way courtyard tearing down, vegetable garden pot planting and maintenance, kishu orange tree learning.

::: Spring deep cleaning, rearranging furniture, aquired a lego table off craigslist, finally chose a kitchen paint color.

::: Coordinated a fantastic mini-reunion with 3 college friends in the D.C. area.

::: Lots of visits with local and semi local family and friends.

::: Got up close and personal with Alice Waters and Sir Ken Robinson.

::: Said goodbye to the Byzantine Fresco Chapel.

::: First visit to Galveston of this year. Trekked at Brazos Bend State Park, visited Shangri-La in Orange, TX, spent a weekend in New Orleans.

::: Booked our whole summer vacation.

::: Riding bicycles everywhere -- school, library, grocery store, for fun.

::: Flying kites out on the green space behind our house.

::: Lego, lego, lego.

::: Star wars, star wars, star wars (and he hasn't seen one movie yet!).

::: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter (we are halfway through book 1).

All is well.

In my kitchen today ::: lots of kale, while standing up

The position I'm most comfortable in right now is standing up.   Consequently, my activities are largely those of the standing variety.  Vacuuming works if I move slowly.  Laundry works if I pay good attention to how I lift and bend when moving things from hamper to washer, washer to dryer.  Sewing would work if I had any projects in mind.  Yoga works if I am super careful and don't lay on my back in Savasana.  Cooking works. 

I've spent a lot of time in the kitchen today.  Potato, leek, carrot, celery, and kale soup.  Bread in the bread machine.  Cutting boards and wooden utensils oiled.  Counters cleaned.  Dishes out of dishwasher.  Dishes in dishwasher.  Dishes out of dishwasher.  Dishes hand-washed.  Snacks made for play date partners.  Floors vacuumed and mopped. The beginnings of holiday crafting.

In and amongst all the standing, it occurred to me to share my favorite kale recipes.  Kale is the king of leafy greens.  It is super nutritious, but often not an immediate favorite for everyone who tries it.  There's no denying it's bitter and the texture can be rubbery if not cooked well. Nevertheless, I've come to love it and I've found a handful of recipes over the past couple of years that I go back to again and again.

These enchiladas, which I've made with yukon gold potatoes, sweet potatoes, and black beans at different times but always wtih kale.  And, the kale and potato soup of today, which is a variation on the potato soup with spinach in this excellent book, but with kale instead of spinach. 

I've found, however that kale totally shines in dishes that are balanced by something really sweet.  My husband can't get enough of a dish introduced to me by Heather over at Beauty that Moves.  It has just a few simple ingredients:  carmelized red onion,  garlic, dried cranberries, apple cider, baked tofu and lots of kale.  We eat it just like that, although she recommends it over a grain of your choice.

Before the holidays I happened to be at Houston's Central Market (an HEB store), where I grabbed a small container of a salad I couldn't resist.  I kept the container because the label they print contains a list of ingredients.  Proportaions aren't included, of course, so I conducted an experiment to see if I could replicate it.  I got so close and it may be even better than the original.  It  was a hit at the holiday luncheon with my yoga class and at our Annual Solstice Tamale Fiesta.   I'm going to include this recipe today.

Fruity and Nutty Kale Salad (served at room temperature)

Proportions can all be adjusted to taste and to the size of your group.

Ingredients

SALAD:

2 large bunches kale, stems trimmed and coarsely chopped

1/4-1/2 cup sliced almonds (raw or lightly toasted)

1/4-1/2 cup pepitas (raw or lightly toasted)

1 cup dried cranberries or dried tart cherries

1/4 finely chopped crystalized ginger

I use a pressure cooker to steam my kale, but you can steam it conventionally as well. 

In the pressure cooker, place 1/2 cup water and a steamer base.  Bring water to boil.  Add chopped kale, cover and lock the lid and bring to high pressure.  Once it comes to high pressure, immediately remove from heat and use a quick release method to reduce pressure. 

If steaming conventionally, steam just until the kale is bright green and beginning to become tender.  The dressing will marinate the kale and soften its texture. 

Dunk the kale in icy cold water to stop the cooking process then spin in a salad spinner to dry. 

Combine kale, with dressing and toss.  Add fruit and cystallized ginger and toss again.  Refrigerate 3 or more hours until about an hour before serving.  Toast the nuts and toss them with the salad right before serving.  Add a little more dressing or serve it on the side.

DRESSING (makes lots and is excellent on any salad or as a marinade):

2 TBSP mirin

2 TBSP sesame oil

1/2 cup grapeseed Oil

1/4 cup orange or tangerine juice, freshly squeezed

1 shallot, finely chopped

1 TSP ground ginger

1-2 TBSP Chives

1 TBSP honey (optional)

Chop the shallot and chives.  Juice the orange or tangerine.  Combine mirin, oils, juice, shallot, ginger and honey (if needed).  Whisk or shake to emulsify. 

Exploring the art of happy

I recently read this translation of Anna Karenina, my first reading of this, Tolstoy's self-proclaimed first real novel.  I was enraptured by the characters and fell a little in love with Tolstoy, who was so deeply flawed and human and therefore able to capture the fullness of each of his characters.  He made it impossible not to identify with or at least understand the motives, thought processes, weaknesses, strengths and vulnerabilities of each person, seen in relief against a background of a particular time and place in history.  I can't say enough good things about it.  I was deeply moved by Levin's spiritual maturation and his discovery that he's happiest when he is engaged in the work that needs to be done (solving disputes among his farmers, tending to his wife and son, ensuring preparations for the harvest, etc.).  When he stops to contemplate the meaning and purpose of his life, he becomes paralyzed and overwhelmed by existential longings and questions.  Hmmm.  I can relate.  

The pursuit of "happiness" being a tantalizing subject for me right now, I turned my attention to The Geography of Bliss, which a friend gave me about 2 years ago (sorry!).  But, it's one of those books that requires a certain mindset.  In my case, Anna Karenina strongly rooted me in a grand, sweeping view of human nature as essentially changeless, but expressed in a nuanced way depending on the social, political and historical circumstances in which a human lives.  The Geography of Bliss is the travel journal of a western worrier and grump who attempts to gain insight about himself by sifting through academic research about happiness and traveling to some of the "happiest" and "unhappiest" places on the planet. His goal?  To get a first hand view of happiness in practice from both cultural and personal perspectives.  As I was reading, I documented the keys to happiness that he identifies.  Here's a smattering directly from my notes:

•  Trust (personal, social, political)
• Lack of envy and either upward or downward comparison
• Embracing trying (and failing)
• Relationships (individual initiative, coupled with social responsibility)
• Creativity (at all levels and abilities.  To paraphrase:  You need a lot of crap to grow something great.)
• A culture of selfish altruism
• Belief in...something
• Being useful, helpful
• A social safety net
• Flow...the pure joy of being
• Hardworking and loving others
• Cold and dark yield coziness and interdependence
• Gratitude
• Happiness is 100% relational
• Not thinking too much
• Tolerance
• Modest expectations but 100% effort (let go of attachment to results)
• If it isn't fun it's not worth doing
• Let go of what you can't control (and all you can control is yourself and your attitude)
• The quality of a society is more important than your place in that society
• Everything you do and every memory of you will likely be gone in 3-4 generations, so don't take it too seriously
• Connection to place/nature

I'm now turning my attention from the theoretical to the practical.  I've resisted reading this book for a while.  The genre of "be like me" middleclass self-disclosure memoirs is a bit tiresome.  I read two earlier this year (Poser and Project Happily Ever After).  I frankly did not like either person as they presented themselves and I found myself full of judgments (I'm suspecting a little projection here...as well as internalized classism).  Nevertheless  I ended up identifying more than I thought with their feelings and experiences.  So, here I am reading, The Happiness Project, another middle class memoir/instruction manual.  I thought it would be  interesting to see a practical journey toward happiness and this is what was out there.  I'm 5/6 of the way through her year-long "project."  Frankly, I can't wait to be done.  I'm not sure I've gained anything useful for my own experience, but I'm reserving judgment.  Actually, I can think of a couple useful things...

• Be a keeper of happy memories.  I come from a family that doesn't talk about the past at all- the good, the bad, or the otherwise.  I didn't realize how much it matters to me to keep memories on behalf of my current family.  I don't scrapbook.  I don't record things faithfully.  But, I take tons of pictures, I keep notes about significant events, I blog.   I will take this role more seriously in the future.
• Do what you do.  Essentially this is a way of saying, "Be yourself."  She says this another way, "You can choose what you do, but you can't choose what you like to do."  If you are looking for more happy in your day, embrace the things you already find yourself doing (in my case, yoga, reading, cooking, bringing people together, writing, making things), and mine your childhood for the things that made your heart sing (acting, singing, building spaces, making up stories and characters).
• Your body matters.  Exercise, food, play and rest yield energy, vitality, stress management, feeling sexy, better sleep, increased patience, elevated mood.....need I say more?
• One of the best ways to get happy is to make others happy.  Conversely, one of the best ways to make others happy is to be happy yourself.  Small, daily happiness is actually really difficult to sustain.  At least one person was sainted for her almost invisible efforts at small happiness (Saint Therese, "I take care to appear happy and especially to be so").

(I guess I am getting more out of it than I thought!)

I think I'll turn to the Dalai Lama's The Art of Happiness next.  I can't help but be inspired by a person who exudes such positive energy and broad perspective in the face of cruelty to his own people and throughout the planet.  I had the privilege of hearing him speak in person once and I will never forget it.  If I ever doubted the power of one person's energy to ripple through and influence the energy of multitudes, I didn't doubt it after being in his presence. 

Here's to actually being happy. 

Home crafts ::: bedside caddies

Silas sleeps upstairs and we sleep downstairs (at least he sleeps upstairs until he decides to come downstairs).  Lately, that happens in the wee hours and he's requested a flashlight to guide his passage.  He also asked for a place to keep his flashlight so he can always find it. 

Thus, the gusseted bedside caddy was conceived and formed.  After making Silas's to fit his current chapter book and flashlight, I decided I needed one, too.  Mine is designed to hold all the important things I like at my bedside--book (and now Kindle), book light, notepad and pen, reading glasses, ear plugs and headphones/Bluetooth (who doesn't need earphones to facilitate those pre-sleep viewings of important things like "The Daily Show" and "Downton Abbey" and, if I'm super tired, "Murder She Wrote"?).  [Does everyone else love Jessica Fletcher the way I do?"]

I used cotton upholstery fabric and sturdy interfacing between layers, so they hang nicely without sagging.  Silas's has ties on it.  Mine employs hair elastics, which I hang from tiny cup hooks screwed into the underside of the moulding on the night stand.  Mine doesn't really show because it is attached to my nightstand, facing my bed.  I used the fabric to match the pillows I made last summer.  

All-in-all, quite functional.

 

Home crafts ::: picnic rolls for friends

Holiday gifties for families we love...Picnic rolls inspired by Amanda Soule's project in Rhythm of the Family.  It took me a few tries to get the proportions I wanted and I thrifted silverware, useful utensils and napkins to tuck inside--ready to go to the park, beach, playground, festival hill...

I used cotton upholstery fabric in four different colorways (of course I forgot to take pictures of the others) and this vintage print (above), which I scored at the International Quilt Festival in Houston way back in 2006, when Silas was a mere 6 months old!  I tucked a thin layer of cotton batting between for cushiony comfort.

Home crafts ::: finishing things

I am under the weather this week.  So, in pursuit of my goal of finishing things, I've been keeping quietly busy while I nurse myself.  Not all of these projects have been accomplished during my current bout with the cold/flu (how do you know anyway?), but I've been plugging away.  I set a goal of finishing all projects in progress before I allow myself to start on this with the yarn I got in New Brunswick last summer.

The two-years in progress Solstice sweater, finally ready for Silas.

The family picnic roll (inspired by a project in Rhythm of the Family), with awesome thrifted vintage linen napkins and silverware.  Some more are in the works as holiday gifts!  (Shhh.)

The hospital scarf in seed stitch (started while mom was in the hospital).  Finished.

Twenty-two of twenty-five advent stockings for my friend.

I'm on the last ball of this blanket/throw project, which I began more than two years ago!

A little warm for this week, but I'm looking forward to snuggling on the couch all winter long.

And, I'm on page 567 of Anna Karenina.  I can't believe how much I love it and that I've never before read it!

What do you do when you are sick?  What are you trying to finish?

A mother's journal ::: Ron's Big Mission and other books that make me cry

 Over the years there have been a handful of books that evoke a wellspring of emotion as I first read them to my son. Each time I am taken so very much by surprise.  I struggle to get through that first reading, throat tight and tears streaming down my face.  I have to read the book over and over on my own, allowing myself to cry thoroughly, so that I can read it in a way that is for my son and not for me. 

The most recent instance occurred this past week when Silas brought home Ron's Big Mission from the school library.  I launched in, expecting it to be a sweet story of imaginative adventure, only to realize midstream a) it's about Ron McNair as a young boy (he ultimately became an astronaut and died when the Challenger exploded), and b) it's true.  The story centers around a young boy who, because he wants to nurture his dreams, stands up for himself against the most vile and fundamental racism.  He wins through his own courage and the help of a white ally with power who recognizes she can no longer in good conscience enforce institutional racism.  I'm crying as I write this. 

Handling the conversation with Silas about historical, institutional racism in this country was hard for me.  Fortunately his world looks quite different than young Ron's.  His class at school beautifully depicts a good portion of the continuum of the skin colors represented in the world.  This is just how his world looks.  He has no preconceived judgments about people based on skin color and class and reaches out to everyone.  He is still mostly untarnished and undamaged by racism (although he got a clear picture of institutionalized, historical white privilege from this book).  I regret in some ways that he has met that concept so young. 

I'll be reading this book again on my own before it goes back to the library next week.  I have more than a few tears of outrage and sorrow to be shed about the heinous, despicable racism that has plagued this country and the injustice of white privilege.  Fortunately I also have tears of pride, gratitude, inspiration and hope that come from the examples set by people willing to stand up for what they know is right and do what is right, against incredible pressure to stay down and quiet. 

Here are a few other books on my personal must read and cry list.  I have to say that a few of these also grabbed Scott: 

Mrs. Katz and Tush, is another fantastic and healing book about bridging cultural divides and creating famlies of the heart.  I cry in remembrance of the dozens of reads.   

I Love You With All My Heart, Love You Forever, and On the Day You Were Born all touch that primal, visceral love and unbreakable connection between parents and children, and adult children and their aging parents. 

Wilfrid Gordon McDonald Partridge is about the generosity and purity of heart of a small person and the difference it can make it the life of an old person.  Miss Rumphius lives fully and leaves the world a more beautiful place. Owl Moon reminds us to create and share special adventures in nature with our children, and hold their hands as we walk through the scary and overwhelming parts so we can quietly embrace the wonder, awe and magnificence of the world around us.

Happy reading (and crying)! 

 

Practice Notes ::: practicing practicing

I missed my Saturday check in. Lots of reasons. Garage sale, lots of stuff to do, misplaced camera (can I post without a picture of some kind?), blah, blah. The truth is that it was a challenging week and I have failure (learning? observations? insights?) to report.

The big news: be careful what you put your attention on.

I learned this week (again for the hundredth time) that putting my attention on food, makes me eat food! I had a terrible summer cold last week, my periodic visitor arrived, I was prepping for a garage sale, craigslisting, and parenting through it all. I tried to journal my food, but kept grazing and grazing and grazing and stopped writing.

So, I decided this weekend that the flaw in my plan is that I want to focus on doing and documenting what I am increasing in my life. I'm still going to journal my food, but put my attention of what I am doing, not eating.

I know from experience that if I fill my life with the things I want, I become too engaged to go to the kitchen. There's no shortage of things I want more of, but wanting is not enough. I am learning again and again that if you aren't doing (practicing) the things you want, then you aren't really living. So, this week my focus is on the act of practicing practicing the things I want in my life.

::: physical activity (bike riding on errands, playing games and sports, water activities, etc.)

::: creative and/or productive projects

::: music

::: fun and laughter

::: water and green vegetables

::: inspiration (conversations, reading, the arts)

::: romance

::: courage to face the "full catastrophe" of living without numbness or insulation

Let's see what happens next, yes?

Weight: +0.5

Nourishment ::: Women, weight, body image and a food and exercise journal

[Throughout this series of posts I sam going to discuss my specific body weight and weights over time.  I firmly believe that how one feels in one's body is what counts most.  Do I feel alive and enthusiastic?  Can I do the things I want to do? Do I have good energy?  Am I sleeping well? 

Women and weight is such a loaded topic.  So many celebrities operate in the 100 pound weight class and set unrealistic models for how we should eat, look and be.  I once had a major television actress tell me at a party that if you weighed above 125 and a size 6, you could never be the lead in a show (unless it was about a fat girl)--you have to be the best friend, the sidekick, whatever.  

I want to discuss a real woman with a real body.  I am 5' 6" tall with medium-large bones.  I build muscle easily.  When I visited a kinesiology lab back in 2002, I had multiple biometrics done. I was told that peak fitness for me would probably be around 145 pounds with 18-19% body fat, but that would require a professional athlete level of commitment to maintain.  This info was helpful to me in forming a realistic sense of my body type and fitness potential.  I will never be a size 2, or 4 or 6 for that matter.  

I hope the specificity is useful...not as a tool for comparing yourself to me or anyone else, but to document the realistic scale (no pun intended) of my journey.  I also want to break any denial I might have about my current physical condition.  I know how I feel physically, I know what my internal body image is, and I have information about what ideal fitness would look like for me. All of that said, let me proceed.]

Fortunately all of my "fat" pictures were taken before the age of digital photography.  Alas, a few were scanned and saved, so I am taking a deep breath and sharing one here.

Once upon a time I weighed in at close to 240 pounds. I lost over 85 pounds in about 18 months starting back in late 1998. I reached my lowest weight of 152 in March of 2000 after my yoga teacher training course.   

[1998]

I am one of the "biggest losers" I know personally. (Kudos to my dear friend Judy who made a similar passage several years before me.) I did it the old fashioned way--I dealt with a lot of emotions for many years to prepare, I exercised my fanny off, and I changed my diet gradually as I felt better and better about myself. I never counted calories and never tried to restrict food.

It took me a very long time to let go of a "fat" identity and really inhabit my smaller, fitter, healthier frame. I suffered quite a bit of disappointment that my formerly fat body would never be a perfect thinner body.  I never remembered feeling anything but fat from about the third grade on, although this picture from college shows I was pretty normal my freshman year. I was moderately active growing up, played tennis recreationally and was a varsity high school basketball and volleyball player.  I also played VB my first year in college.

[Costume Party (me on right), October 1980.  Weight:  165]

[In Baltimore after completing the Marine Corps Marathon, October 2001.  Weight: 156]

I actually didn't know I had let go of the fat identity entirely until recently when I realized that my internal view of myself is smaller, healthier and fitter than I actually am.

[40th birthday party, August 2002.  Weight: 154, 21.5% body fat.]

With accumulated years, becoming a full-time mom (i.e., caring more for others than for myself), and no longer "forcing" myself to exercise, I've allowed myself to keep on my body about 25 of the 45 pounds I added when I was pregnant with Silas. My digestion, energy, sleep, self-esteem, biometrics and health status have all taken a hit.

[May 3, 2006.  Due date May 17, 2006.  Gave birth May 27, 2006. Weight:  200]

I have not been exercising with any intensity.  I do yoga at home fairly often.  I experimented with a beginner's running program this spring (but didn't finish the eight weeks).  

[August 2010, Weight:  180]

My recent 30-day experiment with veganism was the first time I've actually tried to implement any kind of food program and that was only restrictive in content, not volume.  I have avoided restrictive dieting because I know I have more emotional and spiritual work to do to change my eating habits to be truly wholesome and healthy for me.  The chronic anxiety I noticed while on the vegan diet was incredible!

I know a ton about food, nutrition, how to prepare whole and nutritious foods, and how to eat well.  Most of the time I eat very good quality food.  But, it's becoming clear to me that many days I eat too well (meaning too much of the good stuff).  Also, my few food/beverage vices are not doing me any favors in the effort to be fit, stay a big loser, drop these stubborn pounds, and increase my energy (I'm sure I'll discuss these in detail in future posts).

[June 24, 2011.  Weight:  178.5]

So, (drum roll please) I am beginning a food and exercise journal.  My goal is to set measurable goals around food and exercise and actually document what I am doing.  I got away with not paying attention to food when I was younger and exercising like a fiend.  Now that I am perimenopausal, approaching 50, and not wanting to dedicate as much time to exercise, some new strategies are in order.  

I want this to be a combined scientific and spiritual journey.  I want to put into practice the best information I have about optimal health and wellness and marry that with kinder and gentler strategies for nourishing the malnourished parts of my soul, and loving my body through aware eating, movement, touch and rest.

The whole stay-at-home mom lifestyle is awesome in some ways.  I was a person who took my professional responsibilities very seriously and had difficulty drawing boundaries around my job that allowed me to have a life.  The spontaneity, openness, receptivity, etc., required as a SAHM have made me realize how lovely and easy in some ways life can be and how to take joy in the many small moments.   (We all know I think being a SAHM also can be terribly difficult, exhausing, isolating, and unrewarding.)

I have to admit that in some ways I've become a bit lazy. I have used my role as a way of excusing undisciplined and unfocused behavior, and for abandoning myself as a woman and mother in both crucial and costly ways. So, I intend to have this journal keep me honest with myself in the best, non-punative sense.  If I'm not acting on my goal, then the goal isn't real.

Why share the journey in public?  I need to track myself and be tracked by others. When I was hugely fat, no one talked about it.  It wasn't polite.  Thus, I stayed isolated and suffered quiet humiliation, knowing I had a very visible external reflection of my internal struggles.  

Sharing this journey openly is a step toward claiming visibility and denouncing that there is anything shameful in this.  We all struggle in this life.  Some struggles are easy to hide because they are socially condoned (obsessive cleaning, workaholism, perfectionism).  Others remain hidden for months, years or lifetimes because they can be (hoarding, domestic abuse, gambling, overspending).  Some struggles are worn externally (smoking, cutting, anorexia nervosa, obesity).  

So, no more silent struggle!  Here we go.  

I plan to report weekly on Saturdays.

Nourishment ::: of the poetic kind

Inn at Whale Cove, Grand Manan, NB (August 2010)

 

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 -- Jelaluddin Rumi,

    translation by Coleman Barks

 

Note:  Along with "practice notes" and "a mother's journal" I plan to do a semi-regular "nourishment" section inspired by my month-long Nourishing the Whole Self workshop I completed this past spring.  As I discovered (again), nourishment is so much more than food and drink.